Self Inflicted
by ThatOneExorcist
Summary: Rin Okumura had been doing fine in terms of friends, in terms of school, in terms of his steady pace in the art of Exorcism... but all that changes when something goes wrong during a seemingly simple mission, causing him to crash and burn among his own flames, so to speak. WARNING: There is drug use in this story, as well as self harm and depression themes. Full warning inside.
1. Lady Midday

FULL WARNING: There is drug use, alcohol, self harm, and depression themes in this story. Please, if you are-or you think you are-sensitive about any of these, and you think it may affect you, please do not read this. I don't want anyone who thinks or knows they can't read this story to read this. Please, only read if you are old enough to read M rated fiction, and only if you feel like you can do it.

So yeah, I got this story idea in a dream. It wasn't Ao no Exorcist characters, but, y'know, same premise. So I just changed it up a li'l bit and it came out like this. So yeah, enjoy if you wanna, thanks for reading! :) R&amp;R.

Self inflicted

It wasn't his fault.

It was the work of demons.

Rin knew that. The others knew that. But still they...

Well, you probably don't know what's going on, so I guess we'll start from the beginning. So, here we go...

One Week Earlier.

"This is where the mission's taking place?"

"I-it's so creepy..."

"Gross! Something's dripping out of that window!"

The others were staring up at the abandoned asylum, checking the place out before they entered. An old, battered sign hung at an angle above the padlocked doors. The lower floor windows were boarded up, but the floors above that were left open, smashed in and dirty. Rin took a deep breath and grinned. To be honest, he had a bad feeling about this place, and he didn't actually want to go in. But that was just his hyperactive nerves talking. He took a step forward.

"Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go!" He was about to take off when Yukio grabbed the back of his collar.

"Wait a moment, Mr. Okumura, you have to know what we're up against." The younger brother said. Rin paused, stopping his struggling, and nodded.

"Fair enough." He consented, and Yukio let go of him, pulling out a book as he did so. He opened it to a bookmarked page and cleared his throat.

"The demons we are up against are mid-class demons that are the offspring of a demon called Poludnica, or, more commonly, Lady Midday. Her offspring are tricky. They can shape shift, and pretend to be someone you know. They have also been known to cause insanity. Their weakness is clarity. You have to keep a calm mind through this mission, stick in your group, and keep one another safe. If your partner is possessed, try and bring them back by telling them things that they've done, good things." Rin snickered.

"That sounds sooo cliché! Like something out of a- ouch!" Yukio slapped him upside the head sharply.

"If you don't take in this information, you may as well be walking to your death... or, well, insanity." The eldest twin sighed dramatically. "Fine, fine, let's get this over with already!" He marched forwards and this time, Yukio didn't stop him. Instead, the group of young exorcists entered the foreboding asylum.

Once inside, they were told their partners. Rin and Suguro, (which was probably not a great idea,) Renzou and Konekomaru, and Yukio and Shiemi. And, with a fair bit of grumbling from the Rin/Bon pair, they split up, prepared to fight.

Little did they know, they were up against something much, much worse.

Around an hour in, Rin and Suguro noticed that the asylum, which had been filled with sounds like the creaking of the building and the wind whistling through the broken windows, had become eerily silent. Neither of them had encountered any Poludnican demons, and they had started thinking that this 'exorcism' was all for naught. But with the sudden quiet, they were starting to think there was something amiss.

And that's when it happened.

The woman appeared out of the gloom, clothed in wispy white fabric, her long, wavy, dark purple hair drifting about her head and shoulders like a mist. And then, she spoke, her voice smooth as honey.

"Hello children. Would you like to hear a story?" The two boys whipped around, hands on their weapons. The woman chuckled.

"Come on now, I'm not going to harm you. I just want to tell you a story." she insisted, sitting down in a dusty, cobwebbed chair. Bon lifted his bazooka and aimed it carefully.

"Are you one of the Poludnican demons?" He inquired with a sharp tone. Without hesitation, she shook her head.

"No. I'm not. Will you please just listen to my story? It's a good one, I promise you." she looked straight into Rin's eyes and murmured, "Oh yes, a very good story." Ron frowned and his sword dropped a bit. Suguro looked like he was about to protest when Rin cut him off.

"Wait, let's listen, it might help us out, you never know. She's not one of the demons. She could just be a ghost." Bon didn't look totally convinced, but he didn't shoot. The lady nodded and began to speak.

"Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He had heard stories all his life, mostly from his mother. Sometimes, his father would tell him tales as well." She paused. Her eyes were jet black, whites, iris, and pupil.

"But one day, that was all taken from him in a flash of a brilliant blue. They were gone, and no one was able to tell him the wondrous stories again." Something prickled at the back of Rin's mind, but he ignored it. The lady continued.

"And so, determined, he vowed to avenge his parents, his brother, his temple." Bon's eyes widened, and he went to stop her, but she had already started up again, seeming to get excited.

"And one day, years after, while on a trip, he was betrayed! Dreadfully betrayed by one of his own friends! One he had thought he could trust with his life. But no," She stopped again, briefly, looking into Rin's blue eyes.

"Those blue flames were too much. They reminded him of the night when his family burned around him. Then, slowly, some of his trust was regained." The woman stood and advanced. The boys were frozen, seeming to have been coated in ice, unable to even speak.

"But still, to this day, he doesn't fully trust his friend. Constantly afraid that he'll go berserk and kill everyone he cares about." Rin's eyes teared up, but he still could not even talk.

"In fact, none of them fully trust in him! They all have that seed of doubt, and with each small flicker, even as small as a match flare, the sapling grows, branching out like a great oak." She said walking around them. She leaned down to Rin's pointed ear and whispered, none too quietly,

"And that is the end of my story. Did you like it, Rin dear?"

Rin gulped, now able to speak, but not move.

"Who are you?" he rasped, blinking back the sorrow. She smiled softly.

"Did my story stir something in your heart? Ta, oh, I'm sorry dear..."

"I said, 'who are you?!'"

She stepped back, hesitated with a wide grin on her face, then said clearly,

"You may address me as Lady Midday, if you wish. But, one of you won't have much time to do that..." And with that, she swooped towards them, and kissed Rin's forehead. Everything slowed down. Suguro, finally able to move freely, turned his weapon towards the quickly dissipating demon, and Rin's eyes glowed and became jagged and scrambled. Lady Midday smirked and disappeared, and Bon withheld his attack, only to be blasted back by a whirlwind of force. He stared.

"Okumura..."

Rin had drawn the sword. His long ears stuck out and his tail swished back and fourth, ablaze with fire. His nails had grown out, long and sharp, as well as his teeth. He spotted Bon and approached, snarling.

Suguro stood and ran, whipping out his cell phone as he did. He quickly wrote a text to everyone, not able to explain everything clearly. He heard the now insane half demon behind him, around the corner, and he ducked into a room and slammed the door closed. He locked it, then hid behind a dresser drawer to send the text.

'Okumura's been possessed. We need to get out, now.'

Bon winced at the now loud, 'ding' as the text was sent. He felt heat blast the door off it's hinges, and Rin staggered inside. He looked around, then lifted his nose as if to smell the air. His head whipped towards the dresser and Bon mentally swore as the black haired boy advanced. Bon took a deep breath.

'Please get here soon, mr. Okumura!' he jumped out from his hiding place, surprising Rin. He was able to knock the blade from his hands. It skidded across the room and under a desk. He growled and attempted to claw his face, but Bon grabbed his hands and twisted. He screeched in pain and his flames rose higher, burning Suguro, when a gunshot was heard.

Rin stopped dead. Then, all of the sudden, he dropped to his knees, eyes closing and flames dying. He fell to the ground, a bullet wound in his left shoulder. Yukio rushed in, grabbed the sword, and shoved it back into the sheath in his hands. Rin's ears and nails shrank, but he was still bleeding heavily. Yukio ran over and dropped to his knees. He opened his case, pulled out a roll of gauze, anti bacterial paste, and tweezers. Without a word, he spread the paste onto Bon's burnt and blistered hands, wrapped them, then set to work on Rin. Before the wound had closed, he managed to fish the bullet out of his flesh before stripping of his siblings jacket and shirt and propping him up so he could wrap bandages around him, securing the gun shot wound.

The brown haired exorcist sighed and looked at Ryuji.

"Mr. Suguro, are you alri-" He tried to ask, concern in his voice, but the astounded teen interrupted him.

"He tried to kill me." He croaked. His throat felt sore from breathing in the scalding heat of the blue flames. His head turned slowly towards Yukio.

"Do you know what this means, Okumura? It means that he can't be trusted! It may have been provoked, but he's too dangerous to have around!" Yukio stayed silent and Bon gulped before continuing.

"You have to inform the higher ups. We have to get him out." He finished. Yukio stood and adjusted his glasses, which had been thrown askew while he ran towards the sound of the demonic roars that could only have been his brother.

"Mr. Suguro, I understand that you're shaken up by this incident, but under the rules, if an induced attack on a fellow exorcist is committed, then no extreme consequences will be dealt. I'm sorry that-" He was cut off again.

"Screw that! He's different, and you know that! It's a whole different scenario seeing as he's the son of Satan! He could kill someone in a second if they weren't expecting it!" Bon shouted anxiously. Yukio gathered up his things and noticed that the other young exorcists were standing in the doorway, looking on in shock. They obviously knew what was going on. Yukio huffed and said,

"It makes no difference according to-"

"That's because there hasn't been a kid of Satan before!"

Bon stood and stormed out, followed first by Konekomaru, then Shima, then Izumo, who looked genuinely uninterested. Shiemi lingered for a little while longer before exiting, looking a bit frightened. Yukio, a bit miffed, waited for a moment before Rin sat up, finally awake. He straightened up, picked up his sword and looked at Yukio meaningfully. Then, silently, he left the room.

He had been awake that whole time.

He had heard Suguro.

And he was not going to forget it.


	2. Back Then

Sorry, it's been a while since I started this story. But, here you go! Second chapter.

* * *

Rin's P.O.V

* * *

I waved goodbye to Yukio, grinning cheerfully as he left the room by means of on of the many keys he possessed. He flashed me a quick half smile before closing the door behind him with a _click._ As soon as I was sure he was gone, I let my tail droop. It trailed on the ground as I slunk upstairs, all evidence of a smile wiped from my face.

I continued up the many stairs until I'd reached our hallway. I went to our room, dropped my sword on my bed, stripped off my shirt, (it was too hot to be wearing it anyways,) and kicked off my shoes before sighing and sitting down on the bed, making it bounce. Now, all that was left to do was wait. Yukio had gone to file a report and tell the big shots what had happened. Given their hatred for me, I wouldn't be surprised if they issued another order to kill me. It really would be something those bastards would do.

But, for some reason, I couldn't muster up any anger, or hate, or resentment. I couldn't feel anything but the growing pressure on my chest. I knew that feeling. But I had no choice but to ignore it. But oh, did I know it well. I remembered it from back then, when I was twelve. That was when it really started. That year... that was the year of dread. Next was the year of pain. Then, after that, recovery. But... it was hard, it's still hard, and it will _always _be hard for someone like me.

I don't know how long I sat there, pushing down the feelings, wanting to scream, to throw something. But I'd learned to control my anger, to bottle it up and forget it. And that's what would happen this time, just like last time. I'd get over it. All these thoughts swirled through my head, making me shiver despite the heat. Finally, at long last, I couldn't take it anymore. I might've sat there for two minutes, maybe even two hours, and I needed to move. I needed to remind myself. I forced myself to get off the bed, walk myself to the hallway, and move myself down the hall to the bathroom that I used to hold my stuff. I didn't want Yukio to use my shower things. I didn't want him to find my old... acquaintances.

I shut and locked the door behind me and went to the closet. I opened it up and pulled out a small plastic bag, that had all of my shower things in it. Along with a few other accessories. I unzipped it as I walked over to one of the many sinks. I dug through it, grumbling incoherently until I found what I was looking for. I withdrew my hand, forefinger and thumb pinching a razor blade. The light caught on it's metallic surface and glimmered with deadly beauty.

I'd only taken it out to look at it, to remind myself what I'd been through, but... the heavy, sinking feeling that was pressing on my chest, squeezing my lungs and heart, that all too familiar feeling was egging me on, encouraging me to do what deep inside, I really wanted to do. It would certainly relieve the pain-albeit temporarily-but it would relieve it.

I pulled at my hair and felt the razor prick my ear. No! I couldn't go back to that! I was lucky enough to not be found out when I last felt like this, but I couldn't risk it again! I was surrounded by people, constantly. I was in school, I was having training where my shirt could easily be lost and-

But... wait.

My hands dropped to my sides. No... now that I had awoken to my demonic side, all of my cuts healed, right? Almost instantly? With no scars? That's right... I could do it, I could alleviate the pain and not have anything to show for it! I wouldn't worry Yukio, or anybody, if they ever talked to me again. I could do it.

I held my arm over the sink, trembling slightly, and pressed the blade against the soft flesh of the inside of my wrist. I sucked in a breath as I dragged it across in a perfect line, causing beads of blood to well up and merge together before dripping down. I did it again, and again, feeling more and more of the suffocating pressure leaving my body along with the blood. I was already seven cuts in when I noticed something.

They weren't healing.

I blinked, eying the lacerations with curiosity. The blood still pulsed with my heartbeat, but there wasn't a sign of the cuts closing, or even the blood flow slowing down. I inhaled slowly and sent a rush of flames down my arm, seeing if that would speed the healing process. The adrenaline released with the blue fire only made my heart race, causing the blood to trickle faster, harder, making round, scarlet circles against the shockingly white sink.

Hm.

Interesting.

Not taking my eyes from the still bleeding cuts, I grabbed the box of tissues on the counter and pressed a few to the wounds, trying to cease the blood. Eventually, it did slow, but it didn't stop completely. I had just thrown out the bloody tissues and cleaned, dried, and shoved the razor into my pocket when I heard a door slam down the hall. My head whipped towards the noise, heart pounding.

"Nii-san?! I'm back!" Yukio called out. I darted out of the bathroom door, shutting it behind me, and raced down the hall to our room, where Yukio was hanging up his coat. I stifled a yelp of surprise at his quick entrance and pressed my arm to my side, hoping there wasn't any visible blood. He gave me small smile as he unbuckled his gun belt and draped it over the back of his chair.

"Consider yourself lucky, Nii-san, that you didn't seriously injure someone. The officials almost decided to lock you up until Mephisto stepped in and explained the situation." He said quietly. I paled and moved my arm behind my back. Had I really sat there for over three hours? It had felt like no time at all. Huh. Go figure.

I frowned and inched sideways, still trying to hide the evidence of my feelings. I sat down on my bed and with my other arm, picked up my shirt. Crap, it was white! Ah well, I could say that it had been there from the fight. But what if he insisted that he treat the wound? What then? No, don't think about that, just put the goddamn shirt on, it's better than nothing.

"Nii-san? Are you listening?"

My head jerked upwards, eyes wide. I hadn't heard him speaking at all.

"Uhhh..." I muttered, feeling a blush dust my cheeks. Yukio sighed.

"I said, you need to be more careful. I know that Poludnica is a rather strong demon, and that it's easy for her to get inside someone's head, but you're an exorcist! You have to be more careful about these things. You..." He gulped and went on, as if second guessing what he was about to say. But I knew, I was dreading it too. "You can kill someone, Nii-san, if you're not careful. I talked to the other students, and they're willing to forgive you this time, but next time... No, there won't be a next time, and if there is, I won't just shoot your shoulder. I'll have to kill you if it gets out of hand."

I sat, wide eyed, and staring at my younger brother. At length, I stood up. I couldn't take this. I wouldn't be lectured anymore about things that were blatantly obvious to me. I walked over to the door.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back late." I murmured quietly, not looking at my twin. I placed my hand on the doorknob, shirt in my other hand, which was placed against my chest.

"Nii-san, are you feeling okay?" Yukio asked, concern in his voice. I looked over my shoulder at him.

"Y-yeah, why do you ask?" I lied. Not that it was very believable, but it was better than nothing. Yukio scowled at me and huffed.

"I know when you're lying, Nii-san. Please tell me." He insisted. I faked a grin and waved my clean hand in dismissal.

"It's nothing for you to worry your ass about. I'll be fine." I forced a laugh and left the room before he could protest. I quickly pulled on my shirt as I walked and cursed, remembering my jacket. I couldn't go back, not know. I knew that questions would be waiting for me when I got back, but I couldn't deal with them now. I'd deal with it later. I just needed a break. I looked at my sleeve and found that it was dotted with blood. I sighed. I'd bleach it later.

I left the dorm, my steps quickening as I made my way down the campus's walkway. It was getting dark already, and I could feel my emotions growing again. I needed to get away from it all. From the sadness, the pain, the emptiness. That was it. Emptiness. I never really understood how someone could feel so much pain that they didn't feel anything.

Until, of course, it happened to me. Well, I didn't understand a lot of things until it happened to me. Why do people cut themselves, that's stupid! Why would someone want to feel pain? Why would someone steal alcohol to drink themselves asleep? Why would they take too many sleeping pills to escape into a nightmare? Why? Why? I wondered those things up until I'd done them. Until I'd cut myself. Until I'd drunk myself asleep. Until I'd stolen Shiro's sleeping pills to escape the world, only to find a horrifying place filled with terrifying dreams. I'd only done that last one about three times though. I'd found it too scary. Although...

No. Cutting was one thing. But drugs... I won't do it. No. No. Besides, wasn't it too early to start thinking like this? To start planning out my life, only to not actually live it? It had been one mistake, and it had only been a day. Tomorrow it would be all better, right? I mean, Yukio said that my friends had forgiven me for it. So, everything was going to be okay! Right?

But...

But something inside of me told me that mistake was the straw that broke the camels back. It was my last try. Before that, my thoughts were, 'one more fuck up, and you're gone. Dead.' Besides! What had that demon lady said to me?

_'In fact, none of them fully trust in him! They all have that seed of doubt, and with each small flicker, even as small as a match flare, the sapling grows, branching out like a great oak.'_

I stopped walking. Che. How could she put so much sad truth into such a beautiful sentence? Like a poem that etched itself into my heart. It pissed me off. She'd made the pain sound so... well, pleasant, in a destructive way.

My knees gave out and I collapsed, clutching where my heart was as a flash of pain raged through me. Why? Why wouldn't anyone trust me!? Why!?

Because I was a demon. That's why.

I felt tears threatening to fall, and I let them. A heart wrenching sob ripped through the still night air, and I clapped a hand over my mouth, muffling them. So, this is where I was.

And I had a feeling I'd be there for a long, long time.

In this goddamn pit.

With no way out.

Again.


	3. Fight

"H-hey, Okumura... S-sorry about yesterday, I was a bit tense that day, Y'know, and-" Bon tried to explain, but I cut him off with a laugh. I waved my hand dismissively.

"No big deal! Besides," I said, a grin plastered across my face. "Who'd listen to a crazy psycho demon bitch anyways?" Suguro laughed-albeit a bit uneasily- and punched my shoulder.

"No harm done?"

"No harm done."

"Dammit, I should've tried harder." I snickered and slapped him upside the head. He punched me back before rubbing his skull. There was a moment of silence between us as we walked, but eventually he broke it.

"Y-you know what she said about us not... you know... trusting you?" He started cautiously. I stiffened.

"Yeah?" Another silence.

"Well, it's not true. We do trust you. You're our friend." I was silent for a moment. I gulped, trying to relieve my own distrust that was causing my feelings to suffocate me. I looked up, a fake smirk on my face.

"Ha! Friends? Us two? You're delirious!" I joked. Bon growled and tried to put me in a headlock, but I ran ahead of him and unlocked the next broom closet I saw. I dashed in and shut it behind me, holding it closed as Suguro pounded against it, shouting insults at me. I took the moment to calm myself, to remind myself that I could do what I needed to do once class started, and I took a deep breath, preparing to run.

I let go of the door and ran for my life, locating the Cram School among the countless, almost identical others and darting inside before Bon could catch me. I hid under my desk and panted, trying to catch my breath as I heard the door open again.

"Where is that stupid-ass, moronic dumb Satanist!? Tell me, I'm gonna rip his throat out!"

I knew it was a joke, but it still hurt. It hurt even more now that I knew they didn't trust me, and that part of Ryuji's insult was true. Somewhere, deep inside, he did think I was a Satan worshiping demon.

"I-foouuund-youuuuu..." The deadly sounding voice echoed above me. I yelped as he grabbed me by the back of my collar and pulled me out, slamming me to the ground and causing a wrestling match to start up in the middle of the classroom. I finally struggled free of Bon's choke hold and scrambled away.

I stuck my tongue out at him and stood up. He and Shiemi, the only other people in the room looked at me curiously as I made my way to the door.

"I'll be back in a minute. I won't be late, promise." I gave them a thumbs up and left the room, hurrying down the hallway towards the bathroom. My breaths quickened as I stepped inside and locked the door behind me. I drew the pencil sharpener out of my pocket and took a breath. Then, without another moments hesitation, I dropped the sharpener on the floor and stepped on it, shattering the plastic, but leaving the blades intact. I picked them up, heart pounding, and swept the crushed plastic into my hand, dumping them into the trash bin as I made my way over to the sink. I leaned against the porcelain, tucking the smaller of the two metal blades into my pocket, and rolling my left sleeve up, exposing my canvas. Red, puffy lines showed where I'd sliced into my skin last night, and the blood had hardened over the wounds, healing like a normal person's injuries would.

I let go of the breath I'd been holding, and dragged the metal across the inside of my forearm. I hissed, relishing in the pain. I pressed it into my arm again, and, before I knew what was happening, I had already made three more cuts. Blood dotted the sink, bright red and thick against the pure white of the bowl. I shoved the dirtied blade into my pocket, along with the other one, and grabbed a fistful of tissues. I held them to the cuts, willing them to stop bleeding.

"Okumura!"

I jumped, frightened, but then remembered that I'd locked the door. I replied after a moment.

"Y-yeah?"

"What the hell are you doing in there, writing a novel? Class is starting." It was Bon. I responded, saying that I'd be out in a second, and rolled my sleeve down again. For once I was thankful that I had to wear a dark jacket, even in this heat. After I was sure the blood wasn't going to be visible through the black fabric, I stepped out of the bathroom and headed down the hall. I entered my classroom quietly and took my seat. Yukio glared at me for a moment before continuing with whatever he was saying previously.

Shiemi smiled at me in greeting before returning to her note taking. I realized that I should be doing the same and took out my note pad and pen. I absentmindedly took notes as Yukio explained about some herb called marigold, and how it was used to exorcise small, low class infection demons.

I zoned out after while, my pen stopped moving and I stared blankly into space. Why did everyone love Yukio? He was Satan's kid too! The only difference was the fact that I had the flames and the demonic features. I was a less adept exorcist than he was, I was nicer, I was more social! How could they not trust me?!

Because you act more like a demon. Because they've seen you go berserk. That's why. They have a reason to be afraid. They have a reason to not trust you. They-

"Okumura-kun! Are you paying attention?!" I heard Yukio's voice above me, and I looked up at him. Anger flared in my chest. Why couldn't I be him?!

" 'Okumura-kun, are you paying attention?!' Does it _look_ like I'm paying attention, dumbass?!" I mocked him angrily.

There was an awkward silence, and I could feel everyone's gaze burning into my back, but I held my gaze with my more adept, stronger, more likable brother. Yukio stared at me, eyes wide with shock, but he soon snapped out of it. He frowned and pointed to the door.

"If you're too tired to attend class today, please excuse yourself." He said in that stupid, know-it-all teacher voice.

"I'd be more than obliged, _Sensei_." I stood up, slamming my hands on the desk top and grabbing my sword as I walked away, my narrowed eyes not leaving Yukio until I got past him.

I slammed the door behind me and stalked down the hall tail twitching and swishing in frustration as I walked. I pulled out my key and used it to open a door to my dorm room. Once inside, I threw my sword onto my bed, took off my jacket and shirt, and carried the clothing to the washroom.

I stuck the bloodied clothes in the washing machine and went back to my room to change. I stripped off my dress pants and uniform shoes and pulled out my jeans, sneakers, and a hoodie. I slipped on a t-shirt before putting the other clothes on. I tied the laces on my worn sneakers and left the dorm room. Like hell I was going to stay there and wait for that damn Yukio to come back and lecture me.

I walked out of the dormitory and hurried down the street. I wanted to go somewhere where no one would look to find me. Somewhere like... like downtown! No one would think to find me there. I mainly stayed in True Cross town these days.

But today, I wanted a break from being an Exorcist. I just wanted to be a normal teenager again. Normal Rin Okumura, with his demon-like personality, is anger management issues, his constant fights and-

Fights.

That's what I needed. I needed to get into an old school brawl. Those back alley fistfight that was so commonly linked to Rin Okumura. No swords, so flames, no guns, just hand to hand combat.

But I couldn't just go looking for trouble. No. But that wouldn't be a problem, seeing as somehow, someway, trouble always seemed to find me.

I quickened my pace and glanced at the sky. Seeing as it was still summer-even if it was late in the season-the sun was still high in the sky, burning down on me as I finally left the school campus. Now, I was walking down one of the many main streets of True Cross town.

I needed to get out. I needed to be by myself in the real world now. The world where normal people lived blissfully normal lives and went on with their days without worrying about demons, or exorcists or any of that crap. The worst thing a kid my age would be worrying about would be having his parents finding him drunk somewhere or something.

Getting drunk sounded pretty good right now.

Not for fun, but just to escape. To pass out somewhere, even if it was against some wall of a store building. I'd done it a couple times before. And each time, I'd get back around three or four in the morning, still tipsy, and have a horrible hangover the next morning that I would barely be able to pass of as being sick.

But still.

I'd forget.

And I needed it now more than I needed it when I was thirteen or fourteen. I had worse problems now.

I shook my head. I couldn't get into that. Besides, where could I get it now? In my old town, I'd either steal a bit from the monastery, or I'd buy it off a pub owner who was short of money. Tch. Even as a little kid, I had fucking _suppliers._

I heard the bang of a cross gate closing and I looked up. A truck cruised on past down the road, and the guards were about to go back to their posts when they spotted me. They waved. I faked a smile and waved back.

"Going somewhere kid?" The older man asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. I just need to get outta here for a while." I answered. He grinned and patted me on the back as I left True Cross.

I sighed, thankful to be free. I dug my hands further into my sweater pockets and continued my walk. I could hear the bustling city, just a short ways off, and sped up. I couldn't wait. Hopefully, no one I knew would run into me while I was here.

I wandered through the winding streets for a while, not paying attention. I just... drifted. That was enough though. It made me feel normal to just be my old self. Quiet, but seething inside. And if someone pushed the limit, I'd snap. I had a feeling that I was already reverting back to that place. I didn't regret it, not fully at least. Fighting helped, or, at least being able to punch _something._ It didn't _have _to be a person, it could be a wall, a building, etc. But the point was, I was angry.

"Ow! Watch it, asshole!"

I had accidentaly bumped into someone, a boy maybe one year older than I. He shoved me hard on the shoulder and I stumbled to the side. I looked up, glaring hard at the athletic teen. He laughed.

"Don't glare at me, kid, you don't know what you're getting into."

I stood up straighter and took my hands out of my pockets. I sighed. I was really no different than how I used to be, always itching for a fight. Hell, my mind must've subconciously steered me towards this guy _just _so I could piss him off somehow. But whatever. I'd take the opprotunity. I clenched my fist angrily.

"Shut up, punk."


	4. Sick Cycle

It's been sooo long since I last updated this story, sorry guys! But here ya go, fourth chapter! Luv you guys! Muah! -3-

* * *

I shook out my wrist and inspected the split knuckles as my opponent lay on the ground touching his lip. His friends had run away scared, and it was now just me and him, and the circle of people around us. They had gathered soon after we'd started our brawl, but they'd stayed where they were, apparently too frightened to attempt to stop us.

"Dude, you punch hard!" I looked down at the teen in surprise. His voice wasn't bitter, in fact, it was excited. He grinned up at me devilishly. "You've had experience, haven't you?" He asked, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth. I stared, open mouthed, as he held out his hand expectantly. Dumbstruck, I took hold of it and helped him to his feet. This was the first time someone hadn't badmouthed me right after I beat the hell out of them, so I was interested.

He brushed off his pants and shirt and ran a hand through his hair. He took a look around at the crowd and waved dismissively at them.

"Go away, show's over!" He shouted with a glare. Almost instantly, they rushed away, too scared to oppose him. He sighed and gestured down an alleyway with his thumb. "C'mon, someone's probably called the police. If you wanna get caught, by all means, stay here. But, there are better options." He said, walking away into the shadows of the alley. After a moments hesitation, I followed him.

He led me through a tangle of back streets and alleys to an old, decrepit building that looked like it was a mix between a bar and an apartment building. He opened the door-which squeaked loudly-and stepped inside. I followed him hesitantly. I didn't trust this guy, but I didn't want to get caught by the police. So my best chance was to stay here until the danger had passed.

I looked at my surroundings. It seemed like this guy kept the place as clean as he could, but it was still pathetic. It did seem to be a bar, and there was a stairway leading up to what I guessed was an apartment. And when he'd walked in, he'd switched the lights on, so that meant he owned the place or something. How the hell did he own a building though!? Or, maybe he just owned this part? Ah, whatever.

"So, you didn't answer my question earlier, kid. You get in fights often?" He snickered and hoisted himself up onto the counter top. I stayed where I was, but somehow I felt a little bit more relaxed.

"Y-yeah... well, that was my first, ah, street fight in a while." I looked away and clenched and un-clenched my fist. I had gotten rid of the anger that had built up, thankfully, but that damn suffocating feeling still had an iron grip on me.

"You want something to drink?"

My eyes snapped back up to him, shocked and, I have to admit, with a bit of hope. I guess the desperation had shown, because he laughed.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then." He said, getting off of the counter and walking to a small refrigerator in the corner of the small bar area. Well, how fitting. I forced myself to take a step back. I knew I should run, I knew the police weren't looking for a small nuisance such as our fight, and I knew that I couldn't get back into this. But I couldn't make myself leave. That one step was the only one I took. That one, pathetic, weak attempt to fight the urge.

"Here, catch." My hands raised before my mind could tell it to stop, and I caught the can. I stared at it for a minute, then looked at the kid who was now popping open another can.

"Where did you get these?" I asked warily. _'What the hell, Rin?! Tell him you don't want it!' _The guy took a sip from the beer and leaned against the counter.

"My dad's a total alcoholic, and he doesn't mind letting me take some back here. He'll do anything to get me out of the house. Anything." He muttered. It might have just been my eyes playing tricks on me, but I thought I saw a flash of pain in his eyes when he said it. I stayed where I was for a moment, gazing at the can of cheap beer, then pulled the tab. The drink fizzed and I murmured a 'thank you' before taking a tentative sip. It tasted the same.

Disgusting and relieving.

But, before I knew it, I was drinking it down faster than I needed to. I pulled it away from my lips and gasped. I felt tears pricking at my eyes and I closed them to hold them back. I heard my acquaintance snicker and I walked forwards towards where he was. I pulled myself up onto the counter a little ways from him and looked at him.

"What's your name?" I asked, taking the last sip from the can and setting it down next to me. The kid looked up, his dirty blonde, dyed hair falling into his face on one side.

"Rouga. You?" He answered, looking away. I sighed.

"Rin." There was an awkward moment of silence between us before I asked him a question to break the ice. I'd also been wondering it, ever since he invited me to come with him. "Why are you being so... well, I guess, nice to me? I kicked your ass back there and you complimented me. Then reminded me that the police were probably going to come check it out." There was another quiet spell before he huffed.

"You have the same eyes as I do. You weren't fighting 'cause you really wanted to, but because you needed to get rid of anger. But you still... you looked like you needed something else. I was right, wasn't I?" He said, glancing at my empty can of beer. I felt my face heat up and I nodded. He went on. "So, tell me, who pissed you off?" He smirked. I looked down at the floor before answering him.

"Well, it was my brother, I guess. He's a teacher at the school I go to, and he was treating me like a little kid. He always does, it's fuckin' annoying, y'know?" I couldn't keep the words from falling out of my mouth. But this guy... he felt the same as I did.

"Yeah, I know that feeling, my dad does that."

.

.

.

"You want another one?" He asked quietly. My body moved on it's own and I shrugged.

"Sure."

As I was handed the beer, I knew that this was wrong. It was the wrong way to go, it was going to kill me... unless I killed myself first. Yeah, I was feeling that bad. Already. Two days and I'd already fallen to that point.

It was a sick cycle, get depressed, get happy, fall.

And I was stuck again.

* * *

I sighed and walked slowly through the dark streets of the town. I was almost back to True Cross town, but I'd stopped and taken a rest a few minutes back. I had too, I almost fell asleep, so I leaned against the wall for a little bit. Thankfully, no one saw me.

I felt the world tip a little bit and I placed my hand on a sign post to steady myself. I wasn't that drunk, I'd only had five beers, but it had been a few years since I was last drinking.

My breath hitched and I covered my mouth. I was near the guards post, and I couldn't draw attention to myself. I might not have been stumbling all over the place, but it would be easy to see that I'd been drinking.

But... I couldn't help it. It was pitiful. I don't know how I managed to stop drinking the last time, I was too focused on becoming a normal person again that I didn't remember, but I do remember the feeling of elation, the feeling of having accomplished something. And since almost no one else knew, it was like I'd earned an invisible medal.

And that medal was stripped away from me in less than two minutes.

I sobbed and crumpled against the sign. I leaned my back against it and hid my face from the world with my hands. I ran my fingers through my hair and grabbed at the raven locks, pulling until my eyes watered even more with the pain. I deserved it. I totally deserved it. I deserved to feel the pain. I'd stooped to that level again, that level below the darkness people associate with depression. It was pain, that's what depression was, pain, not darkness. Depression is when the sun gets so bright it burns your eyes.

So you take matters into your own hands and inflict the pain yourself.

Depression doesn't make you submit to the world.

It makes you submit to yourself.

Another muffled wail ripped through the calm, cool night air, and I slammed my head against the metal post, causing a headache. I took a deep breath in, and tried to calm down, but I couldn't. That's the bad thing about alcohol, it does this thing to me. When I've reached my limit, and I'm wasted, I'm happy. I feel euphoric, like I could be that way forever and do anything I set my mind to. But at this level, I just feel worse than I was before.

And now, it had added a great new feature!

It made me remember every single part of the last time I was like this.

Like that time when I was high on one of Shiro's meds and I cut myself. It started to bleed a lot, and I thought I was going to die.

Or that time when I got into a fight when I was drunk and I came home, bloody, bruised, and staggering. The others had believed that I'd taken a blow to the head and I was off balance, but _god_ were they wrong.

And then that time... that time when I was so desperate for release that I stole Shiro's sake from the kitchen cupboards when he was in the room. It was a close call, I was nearly caught, but I managed to get out of the house before he noticed it-or I-was gone. I think that was the night I passed out on a bench at the playground. I had woken up with a splitting headache and a horrible stomach ache. Thankfully, no one had found me and I got rid of the sake bottle before anyone got there.

I laughed mirthlessly and shook my head. God, I was so pathetic. Not as smart, strong, likable, attractive, or focused as my brother. Not respectable, not needed for anything but a weapon against Satan. Damn it.

I stood up on shaky legs and started walking again. I had to make it home, and hopefully Yukio either wasn't there, or was asleep. It was pretty late, wasn't it?

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and tried to check the time, but my vision was too blurry to see it, and the harsh, un-natural light hurt my eyes. I put it away and sped up a little. I could feel my eyes closing, I had to get back to the dorm as soon as possible.

The rest of the walk seemed like a blur. Nothing was in focus, like I was already half asleep, and before I knew it, I was in front of the door. I grabbed the handle and pulled. I lost my balance and fell. I landed on the base of my tail, which cause me to arch my back and cry out, but I got up again and managed to get inside without any further complications.

Yukio had left the lights on, probably for me, but I couldn't remember where the switch was, so I gave up and took hold of the railing and made my way up the stairs on unsteady feet. I walked as quietly as I could down the hallway to our room and opened the door a crack. The light was still on, and I heard Yukio turn around from where he was probably sitting at his desk. I took a deep breath, straightened up, and tried to look as sober as possible. I entered the room and looked at Yukio head on.

He looked tired. He stood up and crossed his arms. He just stood there, glaring at me. I turned away and pushed my anger down. He was going to try and lecture me, I just knew it.

"Look, Yukio, 'm sorry I yelled in class earlier... I was... stressed out 'nd I... I kinda just snapped." Shit. I was slurring. Not too much though, I could probably pass it off as being tired.

I flinched as I felt my brother's hand on my shoulder and I tensed up. If he got close enough, he could probably smell the alcohol on my breath.

"Nii-san, there is something wrong, and you're going to tell me what it is... now." He said firmly. My breaths sped up, and I closed my mouth. No. No, I couldn't tell him.

"There's nothin' wrong, Yukio, I told ya, 'm just stressed and tired."

"There's something wrong. I know it, Nii-san, and I know when you're lying."

I felt that anger and suffocation come back and I turned around. I stared him right in the eye. "Do you really? Did this magical super-power just happen in the past year, or have you actually always had it?" I said sarcastically. He knew nothing. He knew nothing of when I was depressed the last time. He didn't know I was cutting. He didn't know I was drinking. He didn't know that I used to get high. Right?

We stood there, staring at each other for what seemed like eternity before I turned around and collapsed on my bed. I kicked my shoes off and heard them hit the floor. I grabbed the covers, pulled them up to my neck, and turned away from Yukio, not bothering to tell him to go to sleep, or to go to hell. I'd have rather said the latter, but I didn't have the energy. In fact, I was already fading off to sleep the moment I touched the bed.

One memory haunted my mind though.

One thing that Rouga had offered before I left.

_"If you need anything... drinks, drugs... come here. I know the feeling of needing them. You're welcome to come here for 'em."_

The scary thing was...

I was close to accepting it.


	5. AUTHOR'S NOTE (UPDATE INFORMATION)

**Hey guys, just a quick update:**

**I won't able to update any of my stories for a few more days, at most a week and a half, due to some shit goin' down in my life, lol. It's not too bad, but it's just enough to keep me from updating on a good schedule. Sorry to disappoint, everyone! I'll be back at it as soon as I possibly can. You guys are all great! Bye!**

**P.S. Believe me, I'll update as soon as possible. Sorry again! :P**


	6. Ash

Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, if you don't celebrate Christmas! Oh, and happy birfday, Rin and Yukio, lol. Here's a gift... sorry, it's kind of a depressing gift, ain't it? Lol, anyways, here you are! Love you all!

* * *

My head was throbbing painfully. That's what had woken me up.

I sat up and instantly regretted it. A stab of pain flared through my head, and I clapped a hand over my mouth as I cried out. The pounding subsided enough so that it was bearable. I slowly stood up and looked over at Yukio's bed and found that he wasn't there. I sighed. I felt bad for yelling at him last night, I'd have to apologize.

I groaned and covered my eyes as the light from the hallway hit them. I staggered, but I placed my free hand on the wall. I noticed that I failed to change into my bed clothes last night, and I was still in my hoodie and jeans.

I found my way to the stairs and managed to get down the stairs with only a little trouble. I walked down the hallway to the dining room, where I heard Yukio moving about. I turned the corner and leaned against the doorway. I pressed my forehead against the cold metal.

"Hey, Yukio." I croaked. God, my voice was hoarse. My throat was drier than a desert. Yukio looked up, surprised.

"Nii-san... are you okay? You look sick." He asked worriedly. I smiled, obviously unhappy. Of course I looked sick. From what I could guess, I was pale, with dark circles under my eyes, hair messier than ever, and probably trembling. I coughed and looked away.

"I...I think I might be a little, ah... sick. I've got a really bad head ache, do we have anything for it?" I asked quietly. Yukio stared for a moment, then nodded.

"Um, yes. I've got some aspirin in the upstairs bathroom, if you need some..." He said, taking his breakfast tray from Ukobach as the little demon handed it to him. I nodded and cleared my throat again.

"L-listen, Yukio, ah... I wasn't... thinking straight yesterday. I was telling the truth though, I've been kinda stressed with school work and I snapped at you." I faked a laugh, and winced as it caused my headache to get worse. "Twice in the same day! That hasn't happened in a while. Anyways, I'm-" I stopped short and grabbed my stomach. I heard Yukio come over.

"Nii-san! Are you-" He asked, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. I gasped.

'I'm gonna throw up...' I thought miserably. I had to finish this up quick. "Look, Yukio, I'm... I'm sorry about yesterday..." I closed my mouth as my stomach churned. I gritted my teeth and straightened up. "I'm gonna get the aspirin!" I said quickly, turning tail and running up the steps two at a time. I rushed into the bathroom and threw my head over the toilet just in time as the alcohol I'd drunk the previous night came up.

I grabbed the towel next to the sink and wiped my mouth. I was about to stand up when another wave of nausea washed over me and I retched again. I heard a knock on the half closed door. I spit and flushed the toilet before standing up on shaky legs. I cleaned my mouth again and leaned against the sink before answering. "Yeah?" I asked. Yukio entered the room.

"If you're sick, then you can stay home from school today." He said. I shook my head, but it was painful. I flinched.

"N-no, I'm okay. I can... I can go to school today." I rasped. Yukio frowned and came over. I gulped. "Hey... yesterday... I really am sorry." I apologized again. I couldn't have been more sincere. The whole point of my hiding my true feelings from Yukio was to not worry him. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone. Never again.

* * *

I managed to convince Yukio to let me go to school that day. I told him that I'd probably just gotten a bit of food poisoning or something. Heh. Food poisoning. Did I even eat the day before? I don't think I did. No wonder I got so drunk so fast.

So there I was, walking down the hall to my Cram School classroom, rubbing my temples and wincing every time a flash of pain ripped through my skull. It had been hell all through the regular school day, and the horrible headache had only just started to fade.

I pushed open the door and squinted as the lights got brighter. I knew I looked miserable. I realized with a jolt that they might actually know what I'd been doing the previous night, due to my appearance. My words still slurred together, as if the alcohol still held onto me, and I would stumble occasionally. It was only natural though, seeing as I wasn't used to drinking yet.

Yet...

I mentally slapped myself. No. That had been a one time thing. I wouldn't go back to Rouga, no. I wouldn't go for drinks. I wouldn't... I wouldn't go for drugs.

Would I?

I sighed and sat down at my desk, next to Shiemi. She was immersed in a book, but she looked up with a smile as I settled into my seat. Her grin faded as she caught sight of my face. I offered her a weak smile. "Hey, Shiemi." I croaked. I coughed. My dry throat, even though I'd been drinking water all day, had only gotten a bit better. Shiemi frowned.

"Are you okay, Rin? You look sick." She said. I laughed quietly, trying to save my throat.

"Yeah, you're about the third person to say that today." I said, my voice weak. It was true. Some kid at school had said it today. I'd been in a bad mood, and I'd snapped and told him the truth. I'd told him that I was hungover. He'd laughed, patted my back and merely said 'been there' before walking away, eyes glinting with amusement, leaving me in shock. How could someone take it that well? Well, I didn't know. I'd avoided people the rest of the school day.

Yukio walked in, spared me a quick look, and put us straight to work. I retreated back into myself and tried to concentrate on my studies, but I couldn't. My mind kept drifting to the slowly healing cuts on my wrists, and my hangover, and the feeling of needing to be drunk again. I huffed and let my thumb glide over the cuts under the table, where no one could see. The tight feeling in my chest increased as I felt them, along with the feeling of fear that someone would find out. It was too easy. Too easy for my sleeve to slip up and someone to see. I decided to stop cutting my wrists. Somewhere else, anywhere. Anywhere non-conspicuous.

The classes passed in a blur, probably due to my headache, and boy was I glad when it was finally over. I packed my books into my bag and stood up. I was out the door and was going to head back to my dorm room when Bon, Shima, and Konekomaru caught up to me.

"Yo!" Shima called. I flinched at the loud noise, but forced a smile as I turned around.

"Hey guys. Good day?" Damn. I couldn't even speak in complete sentences? Wow.

Bon raised an eyebrow and bumped his shoulder against mine. "You look like shit. What happened to you?" He asked curiously. I snorted and rubbed my head.

"Ah, it's nothin'... I've just got a headache, that's all. I was a bit sick this morning as well." Bon edged away from me at that statement.

"Well, don't give it to me then!" He half shouted. I held back a cry of pain and laughed along with the other three boys. I took out my keys and opened the locked door. It opened to my dorm room and I waved goodbye to them before closing the door behind me. I breathed out and sank to the floor, leaning against the door.

I stayed there for what seemed like eternity, before finally deciding to take another aspirin for my headache. I walked upstairs, dropped off my bag, and headed to the bathroom. I took out the bottle of aspirin and took the suggested dosage. I swallowed them without water, feeling to lazy to get a glass, and I leaned against the sink. I turned on the cold water and cupped my hands under the stream of liquid. I splashed it onto my face and turned off the water. I looked into the mirror and stared.

God, I really did look awful. My skin was ashen, pale and gray, and my lips seemed to have lost their natural color as well. Dark circles under my eyes made it look like I hadn't slept in a week, and my eyes were dull, lifeless. I looked like I was dead on my feet.

I laughed mirthlessly and tore my eyes away from the mirror. Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and stared at the cuts on my wrists instead. There was dried blood dotted along them, scabs over the less recent ones. The ones I made yesterday were red and puffy, and I had failed to clean all the blood off. There were dark, reddish-brown marks where my sleeve had smudged the blood.

I huffed and pulled my sleeves down again. No. I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't cut. I'd... I'd go for a walk. I'd leave the town and go to Rouga's, but only to tell him that I wouldn't be back. That's right.

But if that was right, why did I feel like I was convincing myself?

I shook off the feeling and went to my room. I changed into my casual clothes and left my sword tucked safely underneath the mattress. I slipped on my worn, old sneakers and headed out, feeling like I was being watched. For all I knew, I was. But hey, why would they stop me? Mephisto would probably find this whole thing hilarious, if he knew. Hell, he probably did know, and he was just watching from a distance.

I shook my head to clear it, causing another minor headache, and hurried down the street. I knew Yukio would be back at the dorm in a few minutes tops, and if he happened to look out the window to see me leaving, he'd come running after me and demand that I stay in True Cross town. Either that or he'd follow me like the prying bastard he was.

I sighed. Who was I kidding? Myself? No. I was just trying to give myself another reason to hate Yukio. He wasn't a prying bastard, he was my brother, of course he'd be worried about me. But he wouldn't follow me, he wasn't the type to do that.

Or was he?

How much did I actually know about Yukio? I mean, for most of my life I thought I knew him! I knew him as my crybaby twin brother. My twin brother who was always being bullied, who had always wanted to be a doctor, and was always teased for it. My brother, who I thought I was the one being the protective sibling. But all my life I was wrong. He was the one "protecting" me. Heh. He didn't protect me from self-harm. He didn't protect me from alcohol. He didn't protect me from drugs.

But I couldn't blame him for that. I'd been great at hiding it. Or, at least, I thought I was. No one ever found out, so...

I exhaled and stared up at the clouds as I walked. I saw only one cloud. One small, wispy cloud in a sea of blue. Funny. In all the movies, this would be the scene where it was raining. No wait... was it raining? If it wasn't, what was running down my face like a waterfall?

It took me a moment to realize that they were my own tears.

I wiped them away frantically. Why the hell was I crying!? Way to go, Rin! With this, no one will ever notice you! It's not like crying teenage boys catch anyones attention, right? Wrong. And I was in the middle of a street, for that matter! Anyone could just look my way and instantly see that something was up.

I blinked the unexplainable tears away and broke into a run. Why had I been crying anyways? I wasn't feeling any sadness. I was pissed off, furious. Furious that no one noticed my pain before. Furious that my brother had failed to help me the first time. Most of all, furious at myself for letting it get to this point. And anger didn't usually make people cry. So what the hell, body!?

I flashed a brief, hollow smile at the guards and waved as I left the campus. I knew my way now. I'd only been to the place once, but I knew how to get out of True Cross town and to that old, dirty apartment building.

I dodged people on the street and kept my pace as I dashed through the streets. I was panting by the time I found the sign that notified me that I was leaving True Cross town. I ran down the stretch of road to the next, smaller town and went down the third alleyway to my right. I weaved through the alleyways until I stopped, gasping for breath, outside the door of the apartment building. How long had I been running? Without any breaks? Never mind, I didn't want to think about how I managed it.

Why was I here again? I thought to myself, my hand on the knob of the door. I mentally shrugged and lifted my hand to knock. I'd only rapped the door a few times before I heard a crash from inside. Footsteps approached and the door was ripped open. I blinked.

Rouga was standing, leaning against the frame, and he'd obviously been drinking. His hand was bleeding, and I could see a lamp shattered on the floor, some of the curved pieces still rocking back and fourth. Rouga grinned. "I knew you'd be back. C'mon." He said, stepping back. My feet moved on their own and I found myself walking into the dusty room. The door closed behind me, shutting off the last sliver of the pure sunlight. The only natural light in the room was the beams filtering through the grimy windows.

I felt a can shoved into my hands. I didn't protest. I gave up to my desires and shut out the thoughts in my mind, the ones telling me no. I popped open the can and took a sip. I collapsed in one of the chairs, making myself at... well, I guess home. It wasn't really a home, and I could tell that Rouga felt the same way. I watched him as he struck a match and lit a cigarette. He caught me watching and held the box out to me, an eyebrow raised in question.

My heart stopped for a moment, then I shook my head. I knew that cigarettes wouldn't give me any relief, just coughing and the possibility of lung cancer. I wanted to feel, I didn't want to suffer any more. "No, I'm good with this." I said, raising the can. Rouga snickered and took a draw from his cigarette. He blew out a cloud of thick, white smoke.

"'Kay. So," He said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. "any more trouble with your brother? Did he find you out yesterday?" He asked, referring to my drunkenness the night before. I shook my head.

"I didn't have a lot of trouble, nah. And I'm not sure he knew. I think he figured I was tired. I yelled at him though."

"Angry drunk?" He asked solemnly, as if he were remembering something.

I shrugged and took another sip from my drink. "Maybe. I never was before. When I was really drunk, I was happy."

"And before that?"

"..."

"Don't wanna talk about it? Fair enough. I saw you yesterday though, and you didn't look very happy." He laughed, but there was no humor in his tone. I scoffed and closed my eyes. Why the hell did I come back. I shouldn't have. This was a horrible place for me. I needed to get out of here before it was too late.

But a nagging voice in the back of my head told me it was already too late.

"Funny how hard it is to get out, but how quickly you fall, isn't it?" Rouga seemed to have read my mind and voiced my thoughts. A deathly silence filled the already quiet room. The dirty blonde boy seemed to drift off into his own little world, absently watching the smoke curl from his lips.

I sighed and downed the rest of my drink. My stomach growled, and I winced. I was so hungry. But it was too late to go and get something to eat at a restaurant or something. I had an incredibly fast flush reaction, and as my friends and family knew I was energetic, they'd think I'd been running, if I went into a restaurant, they'd probably start suspecting something... that along with the fact that I would start slurring at only three drinks.

I heard Rouga's dry laugh and I looked at him as he stood up. "You hungry, dude?" He went back to the small kitchen and came back out with two bags of chips. "Sorry, I don't have much to eat back there." He said as he tossed the bag to me. I tore open the package and took a few chips out. I barely tasted them. And when I finally started to taste them, they tasted like ash.

Damn. I couldn't even enjoy food anymore.

* * *

I don't know when it happened, but I passed out.

Where, you ask?

Not in an alleyway.

Not in the street.

Most importantly, not at the dorm.

No, I passed out in the chair where I sat, along with Rouga. I wasn't thinking clearly, but I do know that I wasn't thinking anything about going back to the dorm. That thought didn't even cross my mind. Leaving the apartment building didn't occur to me. The only thing that occurred to me was sleep.

Because I was tired.

I was just tired of it. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to forget.

And I got what I wanted, right?

At least I'd found a temporary haven, even if it was just my own little hell in disguise.


	7. Start of the End

**So, some of you guys who read my other story, Mating Season, may be thinking, 'what da hell, why'da remove it?' and some of you may know why. Negative feedback, blah blah blah. Anyways, I've got a link to my smexy Rin x Shiemi story on my profile, so... yeah. Okay, next chapter, hope y'all enjoy! Bai bai! :P**

* * *

I rubbed my temples as I leaned heavily against the side of the wall. I kept my eyes closed to the light and thanked the god I didn't even believe in that I didn't feel sick anymore.

I'd woken up at around three in the afternoon, and left almost immediately. I had to get out of there. I felt a bit better though, more relaxed, for some strange reason. I felt tired, mostly. But that probably came from a fitful night's sleep. I guess when I was tired that I didn't really have the energy to think much.

I felt my headache fade away and I forced myself to keep moving. I wasn't completely sure where I was headed though. I could go and show up at Cram School, I was a mess, and I hadn't gone to school the whole day.

My eyes widened. I hadn't gone back to the dorm last night! What was Yukio going to think? More like, what was he going to say? He probably wouldn't let me off the hook that easily. I might've gotten away with it when we were living at the monastery, because I always found ways to avoid the topic of my disappearances. A little persuasion, and Shiro would just let it go. I would tell him that I got lost of some bull shit story like that and he'd believe it, because it seemed like something that I would do.

But know that Shiro was gone, and Mephisto wasn't really around as my guardian, Yukio had practically taken over as my parent. And now that it was basically just me and him, he wouldn't drop it as fast as Shiro would. He'd pester me until he got the truth. Not that I was going to tell him, obviously. In fact, it would probably just be better to tell him that I'd gotten in a fight or something. Although, it didn't really look like I'd been in a fight. Oh, but they thought that I healed normally now, so they wouldn't think to much about it.

I frowned. I wonder what would happen if I actually got hurt in a fight. Would the wounds heal? Or would I not want them to heal?

I shook my head. No sense worrying about it. If they healed, they healed. If they didn't, well... I'd have a lot of lies to tell people. Why are my wounds not healing? Oh, maybe my energy is low or something. Psh.

I stopped walking. Why didn't I just tell Yukio what was wrong? I mean, I didn't want to be a burden on anyone, and I didn't want Yukio to protect me. I was tired of it. I didn't need it. But in the one time when I actually needed help, I was too afraid to ask for it. Too afraid or too embarrassed. But why should I be embarrassed? It was expected that I should go through this. I mean, being the son of Satan and everything? That's a pretty hard thing to bear. But I guess since I withstood it for so long, they all expected I could take it.

But glass can only take so much pressure and weight until it cracks.

I felt my chest tighten again, and that horrible feeling was back again. The feeling like my own body was going to suffocate me. I scratched at my arm, and blood beaded up. I looked down at my hands. In my brief moment of stress, my nails had grown out to long, sharp... claws. Like they did when I drew my sword. They always did that when I was stressed out or... or depressed.

I wiped a few tears off my cheeks with the back of my arm. That just suits a monster, doesn't it?

The feeling wasn't going away, and I took off running, as if I could get away from it somehow. I dashed through alleys and streets, passing the startled guards at the toll booth and finding my way, gasping, back to the dorm. I pulled out my phone, checking the time. 3:45, the first Cram School class was about to end, Demon Pharmaceutical. Yukio's class. If I didn't get somewhere else before Yukio got back, I'd have to face him like this; hung-over and tired out of my mind. He might just suspect something, seeing as this was the second day I'd been like this.

But I needed go get something first.

I opened the door and ran up the stairs to the upstairs bathroom. I quickly pulled out my razor and rolled up my sleeves. Just before I was about to do it, I stopped myself. I couldn't do it there, I'd reminded myself that it would be too risky. Somewhere else, somewhere less visible...

I ripped off my shirt and sucked in a breath. I pressed the blade to my side, just underneath my ribcage, and sliced the skin open with a quick movement. Blood beaded and dripped down, eventually soaking into the rim of my pants. I sighed, feeling some of the weight lift from my chest, and I continued, one after another. Finally, I stood, no weight, eyes closed, aware of the blood running down my stomach and hip. I let out the breath I'd been holding and set the razor down on the edge of the sink. I turned around and looked in the mirror. I let my gaze trail over the healing cuts on my wrist, and the fresh, bleeding ones on my side. I tried to make myself look at my face, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I tore my stare away from the reflective glass and turned on the water. I grabbed a wash cloth and held it under the water until it was soaked. I squeezed it out and wiped at the blood on my side. I went to the cupboard and pulled out a first aid kit. I unlatched it and took out a handful of band-aids. I rinsed the blood off again, dried it with a towel before the blood welled up again, and covered one of the cuts with a band-aid. One, two, three... fifteen. Fifteen cuts in all. Well, that is, fifteen on my sides. Plus the ones on my wrists, there were twenty five. Already.

I pulled my shirt back over my head and left the bathroom after picking up the blade I'd used and putting it into my pocket. I found my way back to my room and opened the door.

I froze, my heart skipping a beat.

Yukio sat at the desk, and he turned around when he heard the door open. He didn't look surprised or curious, he just looked angry. I resisted the urge to run from the room. I just stood in the doorway, and we watched each other for a full minute. Plenty of time for me to escape. But I didn't.

"So. Late night last night, Nii-san?" Yukio asked, his voice cold. I gritted my teeth and didn't answer. Then, after a tense, awkward moment, I spoke.

"I went into town yesterday. I got lost. Sorry." I replied, my voice stiff as a board. Yukio stood up abruptly, and I couldn't help but flinch away.

"And you couldn't find your way back before school had ended? You couldn't ask anyone? Or were you in a ghost town?" He questioned, his voice dripping with sarcasm. I tsked and looked away.

"I didn't want to bother anyone. Besides, I... I didn't want to ask for help." I lied. And it was oh-so-painfully obvious that I was lying. I'd never let my pride get the best of me, and Yukio knew that. Yukio knew that I would've asked for directions back to True Cross Town.

Yukio's footsteps made me look up, and when I did, he was standing right in front of me. Out of habit, I drew my arms back up into my sleeves. He stared me down for a moment before he spoke to me again.

"You're going to tell me exactly where you were last night, and what you were doing." He said quietly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and attempting to look intimidating. Like the fucking teacher he was. As if. He wasn't going to scare me like that.

I scared myself more than anyone else did.

I straightened up and noticed with satisfaction that I was now close to being taller than him. We were the same height. One less thing that he had. Finally I was as tall as he was. I took a deep breath and murmured two words.

"No way."

There was a shocked silence, and Yukio's eyes went a bit wider, as he hadn't expected my answer. He probably hadn't, he probably thought that I was just going to cave in and give up. That I was going to be his little obedient doggy and bow down like I normally did, however reluctantly.

Well, no more.

And when Yukio didn't say anything, I continued.

"I'm not going to tell you, because you have no right to know. I'm old enough to take care of myself," _'Yeah, right, Rin.'_ "and you are not my mom! I'm perfectly fine, and why should you care if I'm gone for a night?! At least I'm out of your hair, right? It's not like I'm off plotting with Satan, planning to take over the world! It's not like I'm out there murdering someone!" I finished with a shout.

Yukio's eyes narrowed. "So what were you doing out there? If it was so innocent, why won't you tell me?" He said, suspicion clouding his voice.

I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. I averted my eyes. "It's none of your business what I do. It's my life, not yours." I whispered. I stalked past my brother and snatched up my hoodie. I quickly took off my black jacket, replacing it with the old, blue hooded sweatshirt.

I brushed past my brother, who still stood, stunned, and left the room. I was downstairs and almost out the door when I heard Yukio's footsteps on the stairwell.

"Nii-san!"

I didn't answer his calls. I slammed the door behind me, and I as soon as I was out the door, I ran.

I ran until I couldn't run any further, and I collapsed in an alleyway. I hadn't even made it out of True Cross town. But I couldn't go any further. My breath was gone, but my body insisted that I cry. So I did. I cried and wailed with my hands clasped over my mouth until the late spring sun dipped down below the horizon, and I was left in a dark alley, sobbing, silently screaming, tears streaming down my face.

And that was the last real emotion besides anger that I would feel for weeks. And weeks. And weeks.

Pain.

Sadness.

And then...

The anger would disappear.

And there would be nothing but loneliness.

I guess you could call it the start of the end.


	8. Grasp the rope

**WARNING! Suggestive content AND blatantly obvious content! Trigger warning. Not graphic, just... well. I'm warning you. Skip to the end to get a report if you don't wanna read touchy content. BTW, sorry for not updating this in a while. I've updated Mating Season, now this one, so you know which one is next! ;) Ready for more silly, stupid Rin? Keep checking for when I update Silver Vine, kay? Love you guys! 3**

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When you're falling asleep, memories tend to surface.

Especially induced sleep.

Like right then, for instance.

Lying in bed, swallowed by the darkness. Yukio is breathing softly, deeply, in the bed on the other side of the room. He'd only gotten back an hour ago, from a mission, and he'd gotten ready for bed and went straight to sleep for once. He'd thought I was asleep.

I wasn't.

But I'm glad he finally got to have some rest, he'd been stressed out lately.

Me? Well, yeah, I'd been stressed. But that's normal, to be expected in fucked up people like myself, right?

It had been a month. Maybe a month and a half, I wasn't really paying attention anymore.

About a month since I'd broken down and cried until my eyes were stinging.

About a month since I'd screamed silently until there was no sadness.

About a month since there was nothing but anger, and guilt, and loneliness.

And it sucked.

But I was... under control, I could say.

And at the moment, I was fine. I was happy. I was...

Euphoric.

Not usually the word you'd use to describe a depressed, self-loathing, self-harming individual, but yeah.

I was euphoric. Happy. Peaceful. Calmed.

I was watching my own memories play out in front of my very eyes.

Like the time when Father Fujimoto took Yukio and me to the beach. I made a sand castle, and it really failed, and it got washed away. I didn't cry, I wasn't sad. I merely built a new one, and when that got washed away, I moved on to the next activity.

I wonder if I could do that now. Like, if I failed at something now, would I have the self control, the stability to pick up the pieces and move on? Could I do it? Was my reason for _not _doing it now completely ridiculous? Did I just not want to move on?

No. That wasn't it.

I was too far gone now.

But at that moment, I wasn't thinking like that.

I was happy, I said that before. I was thinking, 'that was a great day. I hope I can do that again sometime... just go to the beach and have fun with my friends."

Not, "I wish I could" I was thinking, "I hope I can". It's a lot more positive when you think of it in that light. Just two changed words can make such a difference.

Another memory I had was when I was eight, I cooked a great meal for the priests at the monastery. We had a happy, loud dinner that night. I went to bed early for once, and after I was asleep, Father Fujimoto came in and made sure that we, both Yukio and I, were both tucked in nicely, before kissing our foreheads and patting our heads and leaving the room. It was the most normal night I could have hoped for. It was one of my last "normal" nights I'd ever have again.

Damn. What I wouldn't give, huh?

I could relive these memories every night for the rest of my life.

And for the past two weeks, I kind of had been.

They hadn't all been pleasant experiences.

Sometimes, I'd relieve my worst memories. I'd hear the kids from my old school taunting me, shouting at me. I'd hear people calling me a freak, a monster.

A demon.

How?

How was I doing this?

How was I seeing these things?

How did I feel so happy?

How did I relive my memories?

How did I get to sleep easier?

Well.

500 mg of Benadryl will do that to a person.

Yeah.

I was too far gone to save.

So down and down the rabbit hole I've gone, with no rope on earth long enough to reach me.

But it didn't matter.

'Cause I'd given up on grasping for that rope.

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**KK, so, if y'all have read it, you get the point. Drugs. Rin has started doing drugs. I know it's a really touchy subject, and it wasn't exactly mentioned in the summary (as self-harm was), so I just wanted to warn someone who MIGHT have been sensitive to this subject specifically. Call me soft, whateva! :P Anyways, I love you guys! Stay awesome! 3**


	9. Sure

"...kumura... Okumura!"

I blinked out of my daze and looked up, where my demon history teacher was scowling at me from behind the desk.

"It would do you well to get a decent night's sleep for once, Okumura. I can't have you falling asleep in my classes!" He scolded me.

I scoffed and leaned my head on my hand. I looked away. "Watch me..." I muttered under my breath. The teacher frowned and turned back to the board, where he went on with his lecture about some catastrophe in the past that was caused by some demon. I didn't bother listening.

I rubbed my dry eyes and tried to will my stomach to settle. I was nauseous again, and I didn't feel as though I could keep myself awake and functional much longer. I suppressed a groan as my head flashed with pain, an I closed my eyes against the artificial lights of the room. I heard Shiemi start to ask me something, but she quickly stopped. They'd mostly become used to me being tired... well, they thought I was tired. I always had an excuse ready. I was stressed, tired, busy... I'm not sure if they fully believed me, but it was working in the meantime.

I reached down under the desk without opening my eyes and took out my water bottle. I twisted off the cap and took a few sips, trying to hydrate my dry mouth. Side effects of the drugs, I was told by Rouga.

Speaking off Rouga. He wasn't good lately. In fact, he was probably worse than when I first met him... worse than I was even. He was always drunk now, I'd never see him sober anymore. He was always high off of something and he made no effort to hide the cigarette burns on his wrists and arms. He was the one who tossed me the bottle of Benadryl after I said that I was having even more trouble relaxing and sleeping.

And I gave in.

I felt awful. I mean, not when I was high, or drunk, but after the effects of either wore off, I felt as if I'd betrayed everyone. Myself, Father Fujimoto, Yukio, the others. But I couldn't help it. It was all too much, I had to escape through some means. Sadly, I had no other talent than cooking, and cooking didn't make me forget like alcohol. It didn't put me in a totally different state of mind like drugs. In other words, it didn't help.

Yukio stopped pestering me. Well, not entirely, but most of the time, he would go about like nothing was wrong. I don't know if he was just used to it now, or if he finally believed me when I said I was fine, or if he was just waiting for me to cave and tell him what was wrong. Ha. Like that would happen.

"Okumura!"

My eyes snapped open again. The teacher was in front of my desk. I looked around hazily. Shiemi had scooted a few inches away, cowering away from the teacher. Bon rolled his eyes and Izumo scoffed. Shima was intently looking at his book... he was probably looking at some dirty magazine behind the textbook. Konekomaru was watching me with a quizzical look, but I shook off the feeling the odd expression gave me and turned back to the teacher.

A vein seemed to be popping in his temple, and his cheeks were flushed with anger. He opened his mouth again and I prepared myself for a scolding.

"Okumura, you have to pull your act together or I will have to ask you to leave!" He yelled. I flinched at the loud noise and covered my ears with my hands. "This is not a joke, Okumura! I'm tired of your attitude towards me and towards this class!" My head pounded and I raised my head and glared at him.

"Wait, this is a class?" I growled. "I thought it was nap time! The stuff you've been told to tell us is certainly putting me to sleep." I looked away. I heard Shima snicker, but the teacher wasn't amused. He slammed his hands down on the desk.

"You will need to know this information in order to become an exorcist! If you feel like you don't need to learn this, then go on and try to pass your next exam! I wonder, what will the Vatican do?" He snapped.

That was too far. I hadn't insulted him personally, but he had just crossed the line and pointed out my position with the Vatican as the son of Satan.

I shot up out of my seat, ignoring my headache, and grabbed the teacher by the collar. He gasped, Shiemi cried out in shock and fear, and I heard the rest of the students stand up quickly, the benches scraping against the floor as they stood. I heard a few steps being taken towards me as I drew my fist back, but right before I was about to punch the teacher, a huge wave of pain swept through my head and I yelped.

I crumpled to the floor, holding my head and pulling on my hair, trying to relieve the pressure in my skull. I gasped as my head throbbed again, and the lights got brighter. My heart began to beat faster, and I purposefully slammed my forehead against the edge of the desk. I felt Shiemi grab my shoulders and pull me back, calling my name out, telling me to stop. I ripped away and did it again, this time with results.

The lights stopped fading and brightening, as they had been. The pain between my eyes, where the edge of the table had last hit, distracted me from the migraine, which was now subsiding into a mere dull ache again. My heart rate slowed and I breathed out. Blood dripped from my forehead from a small split in my skin, and I wiped it away with irritation.

I struggled to my feet and held onto the edge of the desk. I shook my head to clear my blurring vision and I felt Shiemi's hand on my shoulder.

"Rin, are you-"

"Moriyama-san, please step away from Okumura." The teacher interrupted her. She backed off and I turned my disoriented gaze to the middle aged man. He went on. "Okumura, I'm going to have to inform the headmaster of this incident and-"

"No need."

My gaze snapped towards the amused voice from the doorway, where Mephisto now stood, tapping his foot against the ground with a snide grin on his face. "I've come to ask Okumura-kun a few questions, Kawahara-san." He gestured me towards him with his hand and I reluctantly moved around the desk and over to him. He grabbed my shoulder in what must have looked like a friendly gesture, but it was more like a painful vice grip. "He won't be back today. Have a nice day, kiddies!" He said, addressing the others in the class, who were still in a shocked silence. He snapped his fingers and we disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke.

.oOo.

"Okay, wait, Yukio said what?" I groaned, holding my head and flopping down into a chair.

We were in Mephisto's office, and I wasn't in the mood for the things he was saying.

Mephisto laughed. "Well, I myself thought it was ridiculous at first, but I _am_ your legal guardian. As I said, Yukio insisted that I talk to you as such. He seems to think you're in a.. time of confusion and crisis, I think is what he said." He smirked, petting his weird green hamster as he said so.

I snorted. "Time of crisis? Is he a moron? I'm fine, school's just stressful, that's all. Damn." I scoffed to cover up my pain in my head. It was seriously killing me it was so bad!

Mephisto snapped his fingers again and a bottle of Aspirin dropped into my lap. "Go on. It's very obvious that you have a headache. Just don't swallow the whole bottle, hm?" He raised an eyebrow mischievously.

I froze halfway through opening the bottle, but I quickly recovered. I twisted off the cap and took two of the Aspirin out. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, you damn clown?" I growled, putting the pills on my tongue and swallowing them.

Mephisto leaned back in his chair and crossed his fingers. "I'm under the impression that you are taking drugs for recreational purposes, are you not?" He was trying to seem serious, but I could see amusement and interest glittering in his green eyes.

Time to lie.

I laughed dryly. "If you think I'm taking drugs like that, you're even more of a moron than I thought... I've been having trouble getting to sleep for the past couple days, so I've been taking Benadryl. That's all." I tossed the bottle of Aspirin at Mephisto, but it disappeared in a puff before hitting him.

"Are you sure? It looks like you are suffering through after effects of a slight overdose." He pressed.

I rolled my eyes. "You might as well put on a pair of glasses and a pinstripe suit and act like a shrink. I'm not taking drugs like that." I insisted. I could feel my headache starting to fade as the medicine took effect.

"Well. You've thoroughly convinced me." Mephisto assured me, not sounding 'thoroughly convinced' at all.

I sighed and leaned forward, forcing my tired face into a serious expression. "Don't tell Yukio. I don't want him thinking the same thing you are. He's got enough crap in his life to deal with." I pleaded.

Mephisto waved his hand dismissively. "My my, what a caring older brother you are! Okumura-kun is lucky to have such a protective sibling. Don't worry, I had no intention of telling him, it would keep him from focusing and working hard." He reached down, opened a drawer, and pulled out a manila folder that was stuffed with files. "You can go now. Cram School's over, so do what you wish. I've said what I needed to say."

I suppressed a sigh of relief and stood up. I walked to the door, but when my hand was on the handle, Mephisto spoke again.

"Oh, Okumura?" He said.

I half turned. "What?"

He grinned. "Do say hi to your friend Rouga-kun for me, will you?"

I tensed.

He knew.

It was obvious.

I opened the door and left, slamming it behind me as I did so.

I walked down the hall of his office and down the long flight of stairs that would take me to the front doors of his mansion. I wrenched open the heavy doors and left. I huffed in annoyance as I looked out over the city, and cursing Mephisto for making me walk all the way down.

He knew where I was headed.

Maybe he was just having fun watching me die slowly of a headache.

I sighed and began my walk down the steps that would lead to the street. Everything else faded away, and my eyes remained just barely focused on my feet. All I could hear were my breaths, my feet hitting the steps. I was tired. I could get a full nights sleep now, but since I was taking too much Benadryl, it would leave me tired the next day. I couldn't afford to be tired, I had to be alert during missions! I couldn't be tired while fighting a...a kraken or something!

I had to stop.

But I couldn't. It was too much of a good feeling. The pleasant sleepiness, the calming effect. And as bad as some of the memories were, the good ones I relived made up for the imaginary spiders that would crawl out of the walls.

I stepped onto the street and continued my walk. I could feel my lungs tighten a bit. Damn, my actions were really taking a toll on me. I got winded, just from walking down a long set of steps? Pathetic. I used to be able to run nonstop for an hour and not wheeze.

This had to stop. The cutting, the drinking, the using, everything.

But I couldn't do it.

I wouldn't.

.oOo.

The bus stopped in front of a fast food restaurant near Rouga's place. I paid the driver, got off the bus, and immediately started walking towards the back street that would take me to Rouga's. A few drops of rain hit my head and I sighed. Perfect. Let's just set the scene.

God, I was getting tired. Side effect of the Benadryl. This wasn't good. I had a mission in two days, and if I was this tired, I wouldn't be able to stay awake or alert enough. I had to stop, at least until the mission was over and done with.

I ducked down the back street and approached the apartment. I knocked twice to let him know it was me before coming in. What I saw was not what I expected.

Rouga, with a smile on his face.

I blinked. He looked better. Full of energy, I mean. And it couldn't be drugs, right? All the drugs he had were pain meds and sleep meds and things like that, all things that made him tired. I felt a little bit of happiness spark in my chest. I hadn't seen him in a few days. Had something happened that made him a bit better?

He turned towards me and grinned. "Hey, Rin. What's up?"

No.

His eyes. His pupils were large, with only a thin ring of color around them. He was definitely high. On what, I didn't know.

I stepped forward, getting over my shock. "Nothing much. I'm just really tired." I said. I sat down in my normal chair and put my feet up on the small table he had. Rouga came over and sat across from me. He ground his jaw and his leg started to bounce, his foot tapping on the floor with a fast tapping noise.

I sighed. "What are you on?" I asked outright.

He licked his lips and shrugged. "Adderall. I have ADHD, but I never used to take my medication. I bribed my dad into filling my prescription again. I had to take more than prescribed though. The Benadryl was making me tired. I couldn't do anything. Besides," He leaned back in his chair. "I feel better on this. I feel good." He certainly seemed happier.

I forced a smile. "I'm glad it makes you feel better." I said truthfully. I closed my eyes and sighed again.

"What's wrong?" Rouga asked, sounding serious.

"My headmaster seems to know what I'm doing. He... he knows I come and hang out with you, and he guessed that I'm taking drugs."

"And he didn't do anything about it?" He sounded surprised.

"Nah... damn clown doesn't care about me." I muttered.

There was a moment of silence. "What about your parents? Do they know?" Rouga asked. It sounded feigned, as if he were asking a question he already knew the answer to. I ignored it, passing it off as my imagination.

"My, uh, my parents live... away. In Kyoto. They sent me to school here. So no, they don't have any idea about anything." I lied. It felt weird, but I couldn't risk him finding out about me, in case he knew anything about exorcists. It was always possible.

"Aight." He said. He didn't sound as though he believed me, but he dropped it, sensing my discomfort. There was a moment in which neither of us spoke, and we merely sat, staring out the grimy windows into the dim back street. "Hey, Rin," Rouga started again.

I looked up. "What-" I croaked, my voice suddenly hoarse again. I coughed to clear my throat and repeated myself. "What is it?"

Rouga swallowed. "If you... wanna take some of my Adderall... you know, to wake you up... you can."

My breath caught in my throat. The offer was tempting, and that scared me. But I took another look at how happy Rouga seemed, and reconsidered. How bad could the consequences be, if the best side of it was feeling energetic and alive and... happy again?

I took a moment. I took a deep breath.

"Sure."


	10. One Foot Down

_**So the dig begins, and the shovel is a blade,**_

_**Ripping up the pill powder earth.**_

_**A heel striking the back of the tool,**_

_**And you're one foot down.**_

* * *

_Just do it..._

I pursed my lips, the two white and orange capsules rolling in the palm of my slightly trembling hand.

_No one will notice. You're good at this. Don't worry._

I raised the hand to my lips, then stopped.

_What are you waiting for? You've already fucked up your life, what else is there to fuck up?_

I scowled and placed the pills on my tongue. I grabbed the glass of water that was waiting by the sink, and swallowed them. That would keep me up and going through the day.

I sighed and stared at my face in the mirror. Drawn, gaunt. I had a black eye and a large, purplish bruise on my jaw from a fight I'd gotten myself in the night before, with some random drunk on the street. Seeing as I wasn't fully coordinated or prepared, I took a minor beating. I didn't look nearly as bad as that other guy though. I tore my gaze from the mirror before I could look myself in the eye. I couldn't do it, so I turned and started to get ready.

I grabbed a clean shirt, and pulled it over my head, tugging it down over my scarred sides. I winced as one of the fresher cuts was rubbed against by the fabric, but I brushed the feeling off. I pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on my sneakers, trying them up quickly before leaving the bathroom, tucking the bag of pills into my deep pant's pocket as I left.

Just in time.

Yukio stood right outside the bathroom, reading a folder of papers. I hadn't seen him yet today, and I was about to duck my face, so I could avoid the interrogation just a bit longer, but he looked up.

"Good morning- Nii-san!?" His eyes went wide as he took in my face.

I scoffed and tried to walk away. "I'm fine, Yukio." I muttered.

He flung his arm out to stop me and tucked the folder under his free arm. "What happened?" He demanded.

I huffed. "Yukio, I just got in a bit of a fight, it's normal, it's not-" I was interrupted quickly.

"No, it's not normal. It used to be, sure, but you stopped. What happened?" He pressed.

I raked my fingers through my messy, tangled hair that now reached my shoulders because I didn't feel the need to cut it. "It... I just ran into some drunk on the street, it's nothing serious." I mumbled. I wasn't lying...

Yukio's eyes narrowed. "Just some drunk? Usually, you'd come away from those fights with nothing but a split knuckle." He said suspiciously, eyeing my battered face.

I forced a grin and showed him my torn knuckles. "I got some of those as well, see? Normal." He kept on staring, and I rolled my eyes. "I was caught by surprise, alright?" I said.

He lowered his arm, and I walked past him, ready to go downstairs for some food, when he spoke again. "Why aren't you healing?" He asked suddenly, sounding confused again.

I froze. Crap, I forgot about that. I shrugged, not looking at him. "I-I dunno... maybe my powers are kinda low at the moment." I made up on the spot. I hadn't thought about a real lie for that one... 'course, there was no believable lie for that. I wanted to hurt, plain and simple.

After a moment of tense silence, Yukio seemed to let it go, seeing as he went into the bathroom to get ready for the mission we had that day. I breathed a sigh of relief and went downstairs.

Kuro looked up from the counter as I approached, and his eyes brightened, then fell as he sniffed the air. I averted my eyes from him and went into the kitchen to make something for breakfast.

_'Rin...' _Kuro muttered to me. He jumped onto my shoulder and pressed his head against my cheek.

Kuro had basically found me out months ago, and for a while, he'd avoided me, seeing as I'd yelled at him. When I finally apologized, he'd come back to being my familiar, but he hadn't accepted what I'd... become.

"What, Kuro?" I asked him, somewhat sharper than I'd intended. I noticed him flinch, and I reached up to scratch his head. "Sorry. I've got a headache."

_'Rin, when are you gonna stop?' _ Kuro asked me.

I stopped for a moment, then resumed filling a pot with leftover miso soup. "It's not a problem, Kuro. You don't have to worry about me." I answered in a hushed voice, in case Yukio came downstairs earlier than I expected.

Kuro frowned at me, I could see it out of the corner of my eye. _'I do! I have to look after you, and you're not happy anymore, Rin!' _He mewled loudly.

I looked at him with a bitter smile. "But I'm not sad either, Kuro. Don't worry about me." I said, turning the heat on under the pot and placing a lid on it before moving on to make some rice.

_'Don't worry about you!? You come home drunk almost every night, you always smell like blood, and for a month or two, you've been... different! I don't even know what you're doing!' _Kuro cried out.

I chuckled. "Sorry, Kuro. That's all I can say." I said truthfully. I was extremely glad that Kuro couldn't tell anyone about me, seeing as I was the only one who could understand him. Kuro pouted and jumped down off my shoulders, landing neatly on the counter.

_'Rin, I don't want you to be hurting yourself like this... drinking so much isn't going to help you, whatever's wrong with you!' _He said.

I patted his head. "Again, don't worry, I'm in control, Kuro. Now, I have some leftover sukiyaki, are you hungry?" I asked, forcing myself to sound happy, for his sake.

Kuro's head drooped and he jumped off the counter to the floor. _'No, I'm not hungry right now...' _He replied, slinking out of the kitchen.

I stared after him. I wanted to feel guilty, I wanted to feel bad for hurting his feelings, but I couldn't. So, I turned back to my cooking. My heart sped up a little bit, probably from the drugs I'd taken. Damn, that worked fast. I wondered how long they'd last?

.

.

.

"Hey guys! What's up?" I called out, running towards them. My tail was flicking back and fourth, as if I were impatient. My body urged me to move, and I hadn't felt this great in months.

The others blinked. "O-Okumura-kun... are you okay?" Konekomaru asked hesitantly.

I grinned at him, relishing in the happiness that was coursing through me. "Ha! I've never felt better! You guys all set for the job today?" I shuffled on my feet. I didn't want to sit down, I felt like I might explode if I did.

"What the hell, you damn Monkey, you're more energetic than you've been in half a year, what the hell happened?" Bon asked, sounding amused.

I scratched the back of my neck and ground my teeth. "Ah, I just got a good nights sleep. You didn't answer my question!" I jumped forward and put him in a friendly headlock, and he yelped before shoving me off and turning to face me. His eyes widened.

"Okumura, what the hell happened to your face?" He muttered, taking in my beaten appearance.

I licked my lips, but not because I was nervous, just because my lips were dry. "I was d-" I caught myself. I almost slipped up and told him. Damn, this was harder than I thought.

But it was worth it.

I felt great, happy, energetic.

"I was walking home from the next town over last night, and some drunk dude picked a fight with me. I was tired, and I was caught off guard, so..." I pointed to my black eye. "I got this!" I said cheerfully. Why not be happy about it? Fighting was good for me, it helped.

A hand touched my shoulder, and I jumped. I turned and looked at the girl who had touched me, and smiled.

"Hey, Shiemi! Sorry you had to see me like that the other day, that was pretty bad wasn't it?" I said, referring to the come-down headache I'd had, where I'd been taken away from Cram School by Mephisto.

Shiemi frowned. "Rin, fighting isn't something you should be happy about, you're hurt."

I shrugged. "I've had worse." I was met with blank looks. "I used to fight all the time, I never told you that?" I asked, bewildered by there looks.

"N-no, you never did." Shima spoke up.

I bit the inside of my lip. "Ah, you're right, why would I have told you that? Well, you know now!" I pushed back my hair, revealing the scar from Reiji's knife. "I got this a few days before joining True Cross. But... that one wasn't really my fault... he was a demon, so." I shrugged again. "I wonder if that counts..." I was running my mouth.

Thankfully, I was saved by the door opening. I turned to see Yukio enter the room. His eyes flicked to me for a moment, flashed with worry, then returned to the group as a whole. "Well. Since we're all gathered and we all know what we're doing, let's get going. Your weapons have already been stored in the van." He gestured for us to come, and we all got going.

I grinned. Finally, I could feel happy about doing something with the others again.

.oOo.

I looked at our surroundings, taking in the familiar scene with amusement. This was the exact same neighborhood that Rouga lived in. Huh, wonder how he was doing, I hadn't seen him since he'd given me the pills.

"As you all know, it's just a simple nest of Hobgoblins, but it is bigger than normal, and therefore requires a group instead of only a couple Exorcists. I'll remind you again, you have to be careful, if you get injured from the demons, come to me immediately after, because the place we're going is not the cleanest." Yukio's voice faded into the background as he went on to instruct us on positioning and more advanced fighting techniques... not that we'd really need them for a Hobgoblin nest.

My eyes focused instantly on the familiar alley that I walked down frequently. I felt a flicker of anxiety. What if someone who lived around here recognized me? I'd been drunk here plenty of times, someone would surely notice me and at least give me a look. Well, the others probably wouldn't notice that, so...

"The warehouse is just down this street here, so when we get out of sight of the main road, I'd like those of you who are using weapons to make sure that they're properly working. Tamers can call out their familiars, and Arias should go over their prayers to get them in their heads." Yukio instructed them.

But I wasn't listening.

A noise had caused me to stop dead in my tracks, my tail twitching beneath my shirt, my eyes wide and alert. Someone asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell who. I was listening for the noise again, and when I caught it, I took off in the direction from where it came. I knew that voice.

"Rin, where are you going!?"

"Okumura-kun, get back here right-"

I tore around the corner of the nearest backstreet and immediately launched myself at the first person I saw, which was luckily the person I wanted to attack. Rouga, who had been shoved against the wall by his attacker, collapsed to his knees, his hand pressed against his throat, which was bleeding.

I, however, didn't acknowledge this, knowing that Rouga was just shocked. All I could see was the man laying under me, his nose bleeding from a hard punch delivered by my fist.

I grabbed the man's collar and pulled him up by it, before landing another punch on his jaw. I leaned into the man's face. "What the hell do you want with Rouga, huh?" I snarled, my eyes narrowed.

The man scowled and spat blood in my face, causing me to flare with rage, earning him another painful crack across the face. Furious with him for hurting my friend, I lifted him up and slammed him against the wall of the building, causing the man to hit the back of his head on the bricks. He hissed as my fist went into his stomach, and he doubled over coughing. I lifted my leg, ready to kick him, when a hand grabbed my arm and forcefully pulled me back.

"Nii-san! Stop it!"

I blinked. My vision, which had been narrowed down to seeing just my target, now took in the scene in around me. Blood was on the wall, where the man's head had hit it. The wounds on my knuckles had reopened and were now dripping with blood, and I noticed a dull ache where the tendon in my first right knuckle had obviously been injured.

"Someone call 911, this man needs to go to a hospital." Yukio ordered, still holding me firmly by the arm.

"Th-this guy needs help too, Okumura-sensei, he's bleeding really heavily." Konekomaru stated.

My head snapped towards Rouga, and I broke free of Yukio's grip to run over to him. I got down on my knees to be eye level with the blonde teen, and looked at his throat. Blood pulsed from between his fingers, but for some reason, he was grinning.

"Well... didn't expect you to be here this time 'f day... what's up, Rin?" Rouga's words were slurred and his face was pale from the blood loss.

I felt stares boring into my back from my now (probably) suspicious classmates, but I ignored them, this was more important. I leaned in closer to Rouga's ear. "You're not drunk, are you? I need to know to see how much blood you've lost." I hissed, just loud enough for him to hear.

Rouga gulped and shook his head. "Nah, not right now... actually, I kinda need-" His eyes fluttered shut, and my heart pounded in fear. I slapped his cheek gently, and his eyes reopened a bit.

"Hey, no, stay awake, we're gonna get you to a hospital, okay? You're gonna be fine." I assured him, putting my arm under Rouga's and lifting him to his feet.

Rouga snorted. "That's ironic..." he mumbled. His hand dropped, and I sucked in a breath. Maybe it looked worse that it was, but it certainly was deep. Someone said that the ambulance was on it's way, and I helped Rouga to the entrance of the street, where we'd be more easily seen.

Rouga was looking like he was about to close his eyes again. I had to keep him awake. "Oh? Why is that ironic?" I asked, helping him lay down on the sidewalk. I grabbed my sleeve and ripped off the hem before pressing it to the wound. Sirens wailed in the distance, and were coming closer.

Rouga smirked lazily. "'Cause I was on my way t' kill myself when that guy showed up, demanding drugs..." He whispered to me.

What?

I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs by a vacuum. All of the drug-induced happiness was gone, replaced by anxiety and fear and that dead weight on my chest.

Rouga's eyes closed, but when I grabbed his wrist, there was still a pulse. I was aware of the siren as the ambulance pulled up to the sidewalk, and I was dragged out of the way by someone, probably one of the EMTs. I couldn't hear anything except for the pounding in my ears and the flushed out noises of the sirens and the medical staffs urgent voices.

Someone grabbed my shoulders and shook me, but my attention was trained on Rouga, who was now being lifted into the ambulance. Why hadn't I noticed that he'd gotten _that _much worse? Or maybe I had, but I was too caught up in my own depression to think much of it, or to do anything about it?

What kind of friend was I? I hadn't done anything to help him.

God.

I really was worthless, wasn't I?

* * *

**And thus begins the end.**

**(WARNING: LONG AUTHORS NOTE. PLEASE READ THO, K? :) )**

**Yup, I'm gonna be wrapping up this story soon! But don't worry, there are at least seven more chapters to go. I hope you guys liked this one, or at least found it somewhat intriguing.**

**Uwah. I'm actually wondering what I should do with Rouga. He's not a major character, I feel, but he's kinda grown on me. Lol, to tell the truth, he was supposed to turn out bad a while ago, but he kinda just became someone who I wanted to hug and make him feel better. But eh, maybe that's just me. Tell me what you think should happen with him, I need to decide before the next chapter.**

**Oh, and I realize that this story has offended some people, and I really, **_**really **_**want to apologize. I know that some people think it's too much, and I have something to say.**

**One, I really am sorry. I realize how this could be hard to read for some people, and I never meant for that to happen. Please forgive me if you feel like this.**

**Two, I feel like I have to say this. I did lie. In the beginning chapters of this story, I said that I was feeling fine, and I wasn't depressed. In truth, I was. I was severely depressed at that point in time. Writing stories like this one is my way of coping with that depression and stress. It helps me a lot. I myself have struggled with self harm and depression, and my family has had many problems with drug and alcohol addiction, and it has directly affected myself and my mental state heavily.**

**Right now, yes, I'm fine, and I'm doing well. I promise to you guys, I am not lying this time. I want to thank you all so much for giving me positive feedback, or telling me what needs to be said. You're all a part in making me feel better, and I have to thank you for that.**

**So thank you all for sticking with me, and I hope we can continue to "coexist" with each other, ne? :) I love you all so much. Thank you, and I am sorry.**

**P.S. I promise that the next story I update will either be Mating Season or Silver Vine... I feel like I've neglected them... :P Okay. Oh, and for the next six chapters, there are going to be segments of a poem before the chapter, it's my original poem, so, I haven't stolen anything, okay? haha :)**


	11. AN letting you know I'm alive, sorry

**Hey guys.**

**I hated to give you hope with an update alert, but I wanted to let you guys know something.**

**I am working on the next chapter, don't worry. I'm having a very hard time right now. I said I wouldn't lie anymore, and I won't. I slipped up. I'm in a bad place at the moment, and old memories are coming up, and things just aren't going right, but I'm doing my best to work through it. I know you guys understand. I just wanted people to know that even though, at the moment, I'm not alright, but I'm doing my best to get better, and get back to writing. Thank you so much for your support, and for being there for me. You all have helped me so much. I'm going to update soon, as soon as the next chapter is done. I'm working on it as you're reading this. I haven't abandoned this story just yet, haha. :) Thanks. Again, I'm very sorry.**


	12. Two Feet Down

_**And the dig continues, and the earth is on your hands,**_

_**Mixing with the blood dripping from your wrist.**_

_**You hit a rock, an obstacle, and you throw it out of the way,**_

_**And you're two feet down.**_

* * *

After the ambulance pulled away, I couldn't move.

I had stood, stock still, just watching.

I couldn't do anything to help. The others had been trying to bring me back to reality, trying to make me move, but I couldn't, could I?

Why should I come back to reality? I couldn't do anything to help my friend! I knew he was getting worse, didn't I? I should have done something, I should have told him to talk to me, or told him to get help! Of course, that would make me a hypocrite, but still. He had more of a life ahead of him than I did. He was a human, he had a chance. He wasn't living in the shadow of an organization that was always looming over him with the threat of a death sentence for being alive.

He was just a kid.

And I was only a demon.

Monster.

_Demon._

_Awful._

_Worthless._

_He was going to kill himself._

_You didn't help._

_You monster._

I grabbed my hair and pulled on it. "Shut up..." I whispered. I let go of my limp, black locks and let my hand drag down my face. It was kind of numb. No kidding, with all that I drank, I'd be more surprised if I _could_ feel my face.

I struggled to my feet and held onto the wall. I looked around through blurry vision. I'd run away, from Yukio and the others, and the paramedics, after they began to look suspicious about my erratic behaviour. And so, here I was, in Rouga's place, the next day, surrounded by empty cans and a half finished bottle of Jack Daniels that Rouga had somehow managed to get a hold of.

Here I was, with cigarette smoke clinging to my breath and clothes. With nail marks along my sides, not bleeding, but also not healing. With just enough strength to stand, and just enough mental clarity to know that I had to get back soon.

Here I was, a complete, total, pathetic fucking mess.

I had to get back. I couldn't sleep here, and I needed to sleep. I had to walk back to the dorm.

But not until I sobered up a little.

I leaned heavily against the wall and sighed. I ran my fingers through my tangled hair before letting it drop back to my side. I felt the lump in my pocket that was the pack of cigarettes. I'd picked them up from the counter and smoked one, before putting the rest of the pack away for later.

What was the point anymore? In conserving any health I had left? I was already into a pretty wide range of drugs, for me, at least... alcohol, Benadryl, then I started Adderall... hell, why not Nicotine? It's not like I really cared anymore. And it worked. I wasn't sure if it was going to, but it did. Approximately ten seconds after the first drag, my shoulders relaxed, my whole body followed soon after. It was amazing. It was sick, but it was amazing.

I made sure I had my balance before I walked over to the chairs. If I was going to wait until I was a little less hammered, why sit on the floor instead of chairs? I collapsed in my usual seat and lifted my legs up onto the stained coffee table. The ashtray was in pieces at the feet of the couch, spilling spent cigarettes and gray dust on the already grimy floor. An envelope sat next to my feet, opened, with the letter stuffed messily back into the envelope. I'd already glanced at the first few words. From Rouga's dad, something about his mother.

But I didn't need to stick my nose into his personal life. I knew how it felt to want to keep your secrets.

I took a deep breath, trying to lift the heavy feeling off my chest. My eyes burned. I hated to admit it, but it took me a moment to recognize that I was feeling sadness. I wanted to cry. I couldn't, but I wanted to. God... pathetic. Had it really gotten so bad that it took me a while to realize when I was sad?!

"Dammit..." I sighed. Tears pricked at my eyes, and I pressed my palms against them, forcing myself to keep my cheeks dry. White lights burst behind my eyes, and I let my hands fall to my lap. I kept my eyes closed. I wouldn't cry. I already looked bad, I didn't want to make it worse.

I didn't know how long I sat there. My mind began to feel clearer. I could feel my face and hands regaining their sense of touch. I stood up slowly, and found that my balance was better than before. I looked around slowly. I wondered if he was okay... or if he got his wish.

I shook my head and tucked my hands into my pockets. I had to get back.

I left the apartment, closing the door firmly behind me. I made sure I had my things; Kurikara was slung over my shoulder, and my cigarettes were in my pocket. I started off down the back street, only a little bit unsteady.

It was a slow walk, but every thing seemed like a blur. The people threw me suspicious glances, knowing that I was drunk, but most of them had seen me before and gotten used to my presence. The lights flickered in several streetlamps, and the noise of the cars all blended together into a slightly irritated concert of screeching tires, running engines, and car horns.

Honestly, where was I headed? I mean, the dorm, yeah, but... why? I had nothing waiting for me. Friends? No. They were only friends in my best moments, not the moments when I'm Satan's spawn and not Rin. Except, really, I was always Satan's spawn, no one could ever expect to be thought of as anything else.

What else. My brother? The brother who didn't need me anymore, who could take care of himself, the brother who would be much better off without me? Nah, that wasn't what I was headed for either.

Not even a home. That dorm had never even begun to feel like home. The only home I knew was the monastery, and that was long gone now.

I stopped. The monastery. I was only around ten minutes away by now. I'd just passed the guard's post. I looked off to the side, down an alley. If I went through it, then turned right... I'd be home.

I huffed and kept walking. I couldn't go back there. The priest's were finally free of me, I didn't need to crash back into their life again. They didn't deserve that, they were good people.

I crossed the bridge and slowed to a halt. I looked over the side of the railing, down into the swirling water. The late afternoon sunlight hit the water. It glittered and broke, like someone dropped a glass on a concrete floor.

My gaze unfocused as I stared down. Is this where Rouga was going to kill himself? Or was he going to go about it some other way?

I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes. I leaned against the railing, clenching my fists against the anger and guilt welling up inside my chest. Every. Damn. Thing. Every time I tried to focus on something else, it would just come right back to Rouga. Rouga. My _friend. _I didn't do _shit! _I didn't do anything to save him, to get him to get help, he was a human, he was a kid, he didn't know anything, he could get _help! _Then maybe I would have at least one god damn thing in this world that I could be proud of!

"I fucking knew... I knew he was getting worse..." I growled. I felt my nails beginning to grow longer, sharper, and I curled them, digging them into my palms, pressing until I felt blood drip down my hands. "I could've... done something..." my voice broke, and so did the dam.

Tears spilled over my waterline, running down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin and onto the concrete railing. I pressed a hand to my mouth to muffle my sobs, but it didn't do much.

"Okumura?"

I gasped and instinctively moved my hands from my mouth to my eyes, drying my tears before I turned my head. Who was it? They were blurry. I squinted to focus my vision. "Oh. Hey, Suguro. Whatt're you doing here?" I asked, not expecting an answer. I heard him start towards me, his steps loud and fast. I tensed and prepared to have my collar grabbed.

Sure enough, his hand found the front of my shirt and yanked me around to face him.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You just ran off like a fuckin' moron! Do you know how _long _we ran around that damn town looking for your ass!?" He shouted, shaking me a little.

I stared at him dazedly, my eyes half open. "No... sorry." I muttered, trying to keep my mouth as closed as possible, so he wouldn't smell the liquor on my breath.

He "tch"ed and let go, pushing me back a little. I staggered and grabbed the railing before I fell. I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry... he... he told me something that freaked me out, an' I panicked." I muttered. It wasn't a total lie.

Suguro clenched his teeth. "What the hell is up with you?! For months you've been out of it, and then all of the sudden your all energetic and happy, and then... and then that _guy _got attacked and you flipped out..." He yelled.

I shushed him. "Shut up. You're gonna draw attention to us..." I warned him.

Suguro slammed his fist down on the railing. "Since when do you give a damn about laying low!? What's wrong with you?!" He pressed.

I straightened up. "What's wrong with me?! My friend just told me that he was gonna kill himself, that's what's wrong with me!" I snapped back. _And I'm a freak, a demon, a pathetic excuse for a friend... _I reeled off in my mind.

Suguro blinked. "He was..." He echoed, then the anger was back in his eyes. "_Friend?_ How the hell did you even _meet _someone like that?! I saw what kind of town that was!" He took a step forwards, and I didn't move away. "And what was all that about?! 'Wasn't expecting you this time of day...' What did _that _mean?!" He took another step towards me. I didn't answer, and instead turned my head aside. "What the hell are you hiding!?" He said, grabbing my shoulder.

I gritted my teeth, feeling anger well up inside me. I slapped his hand away and widened my stance so I wouldn't fall over. "I was angry! Months ago, and I went an' picked a fight, alright?! And it was... it was Rouga..." I clenched my fists. "And... he helped me hide from the police... we... had a lot more in common than we thought, and we just started becoming... friends, okay?" I explained. I left out a ton, but that was all he needed to know, at least to let me leave without too much suspicion. "But..." I turned away, facing the river. "I... I didn't know that he was... depressed or anythin'... I didn't know that he was gonna..." I swallowed. "I didn't know that he was gonna fuckin' kill himself..." I lied. Well... I knew he was depressed, I truly didn't know he was going to try and off himself.

There was a silence between us, broken only by the rushing of the river beneath us.

"Sorry..."

I looked at him. "You... you've got nothin' to be sorry for." I lied. I made sure I had my balance and started walking. "Don't worry about me... I'll be fine by tomorrow." I murmured.

I was already five yards away before Suguro called out after me.

"Why the hell do you smell like cigarettes?!"

I froze. Then, before it could turn into a suspiciously long silence, I turned around and forced a laugh. "Do I? Well, you said you knew what kinda town that was! I musta walked past some smokers or somethin'." I explained. Suguro didn't say anything, and I continued. "Anyways, I gotta get back to Yukio... I gotta prepare for a lecture again!" I waved and spun on my heel, walking away at a brisk pace before Suguro could speak again. I let the cheery smile drop from my face and slumped, not fully caring if Suguro saw my shift in posture.

I felt tears prick my eyes again. How long could I do this for? How long could I keep lying? Smiling?

Living?

It was getting harder to imagine life a year from now.

And I was scared.

But what scared me more...

Is that I wasn't scared_ enough._

* * *

**Sorry for the wait. :) Here you are. I know, it's kinda short, for my normal chapter lengths, at least, and I'm sorry it took so long to write it. Sorry, no news about Rouga yet, but you'll find out soon. Thanks for being there for me, everyone, and thanks for understanding. :) Love you all.**


	13. Three Feet Down

_**You're now up to your waist in this pit in the ground,**_

_**The dirt has stained your skin and stung your eyes.**_

_**You look up, rethink your choice, but no, you're halfway there,**_

_**And you're three feet down.**_

* * *

_"Rin! What on earth happened!?"_

_The rain outside was pouring. My hair was soaking wet. The water cooled my burning cheeks, and it soothed the stinging on my jaw, where a large bruise was forming. I staggered, and threw my hand out to catch myself, but there was nothing there. I fell to my hands and knees, scraping my palms against the wooden floors and earning myself a splinter._

_"Nii-san!"_

_Footsteps pounded on the floor, echoing in my ears. A pair of familiar hands grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet, and someone shut the door behind me, muffling the sound of the rain._

_"Nii-san, what happened to you?!" I lifted my eyes. My blurry gaze barely made out the face of my brother. He touched my jaw gingerly. "You got in another fight..." He noticed, anger tinging his voice._

_"Rin, are you alright?" Father Fujimoto placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me square in the eyes._

_I blinked hard and lifted my hand. My arms felt like lead. I pushed Father Fujimoto away and smacked Yukio's hands aside._

_"'M fine, lemme go to..." I trailed off, swaying, before my knees buckled. My head spun wildly, and I groaned._

_Father Fujimoto caught me before I could hit the ground again. "Rin!"_

_"Nii-san, what's wrong?!" Yukio's voice, sounding scared for once in his life, made me wince. I didn't want him to sound like that... I didn't wanna hurt him, or make him worry, I just wanted to forget._

_I glanced at Father Fujimoto dazedly, my mouth slack, my legs weak. He frowned._

_"... I think he hit his head, Yukio. I'll get him to his room, and I'll check his head for injuries. You go to bed, Yukio, it's late." He said curtly, slinging my arm over his shoulders and leading me away._

_My eyes flickered to him again, and I saw the knowing, suspicious look he was directing at me. Only for a moment, before he looked forwards again._

_Oh._

.oOo.

My eyes shot open. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes. I sat up slowly, raising my hand to my head, which was throbbing. I licked my dry lips and stared at the opposite wall at the end of my bunk. It was dark out. I didn't know what time it was. Yukio was breathing softly in the bunk on the other side of the room.

My mind wandered back to the dream... or, more like, the memory. The memory that every time I tried to recall it, it was faded and blurry in more places than one. I remembered it now. That look on Father Fujimoto's face when he took me back to my room, before he put me down in my bed and left without checking my skull for injuries.

"He knew..." I whispered quietly. "Why didn't he do anything...?" I wondered aloud. If he knew I was drunk...

I shook my head. What was the point in worrying? Father Fujimoto was dead. Dead... He was dead dammit!

_'And whose fault is that...?'_

I clenched my teeth to the point that my jaw hurt, and I curled my fist into the sheets. "It was your goddamn fault, fucking monster..." I muttered to myself. My lip twitched, just itching to draw back into a sneer.

My head throbbed like a bass drum, and my stomach churned. Not to mention the tingling pains that I was feeling all down my arms...

I looked at the alarm clock on my desk. I licked my lips again, trying to wet them. It was four in the morning. Sure, I was sober, and not high at all, but my hangover was worse than it had ever been before.

I knew I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I kicked the tangled sheets off my legs and got out of bed, careful not to wake Yukio.

I looked over at his bunk. The anger I'd felt towards him while I was drunk was gone. I didn't know what to feel anymore. He didn't need my protection... He never really did. I wasn't good for anything anymore, so why was I even around? Why didn't I just fucking off myself?

I exhaled slowly and rubbed my head in an attempt to ease my headache. When I'd gotten back, I'd gone immediately to take a shower, to get rid of the scent of liquor and cigarettes. I knew that Yukio was going to lecture me, so I had to look as sober as possible. He gave me a thirty minute lecture... Or, it was thirty minutes because I passed out at around that length. He was furious at me for running off and not coming back until the next day.

I swallowed, my throat dry. I felt sick. I turned around and walked slowly towards the door of the room, trying not to wake Yukio or Kuro, who had taken to sleeping at the foot of Yukio's bed instead of on mine.

I nodded to myself as I opened the door and left the room. It was good, that he was doing that. It was good that he was distancing himself from me. That way, he would be used to being with someone else if I ever left...

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. If I ever left... huh? My hands tightened, my fingers curling into my shirt. My chest felt heavy, like there were lead weight in them. If I left, what would happen? Would Yukio be sad? Or relieved? What about the others, in Cram School? How would they feel?

I huffed and smiled bitterly. It didn't matter what they would feel... they'd ultimately be safer... they'd be able to walk with ease, instead of tiptoeing around me. They'd be safer without me around to fuck up their lives.

I sighed and kept moving, down the hallway towards the bathroom. I locked the door behind me, and grabbed the hem of my shirt. My fingers were weak, as if they were cold and not able to work with their full strength. I pulled the shirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. I turned my head towards the mirror.

My body had become thinner, but due to the fact that I was still working as an Exorcist-in-Training, it was hard to tell. I still had muscle to put weight on my body, but even that had decreased a bit. My hair was halfway down my neck, since I hadn't bothered to get it cut. Thin, white lines were barely visible on my forearms, and on the sides of my chest. Fresher, more apparent cuts were etched in between the scars.

I avoided my eyes as I approached the sink. I opened the medical cabinet, where I'd been keeping my razors tucked into a small bag. Yukio never bothered to look, since he almost never used this bathroom.

I unzipped the bag and took out one of the razors. I barely noticed the dull shine on the metal as I looked towards the door one more time, just to check that I'd locked it.

My hand shook a little as I pressed the blade against the skin under my rib cage.

_For letting myself get to this point..._

It's funny how when you split open your skin, it feels like someone is pinching it.

_For not helping my friend when I knew he was sick..._

The skin looks just scratched for a moment...

_For hurting my friends and making them afraid..._

Drops of roses.

_For making everyone's life harder..._

Telling yourself "just one"...

_For killing you, dad..._

Then doing it "just once more"...

_For being such a difficult person, all those years..._

Last one...

_For compelling you to keep me alive... when I should have died..._

I swear, it's the last one...

_For being born..._

I stood there, staring at the ceiling, dropping the razor into the sink, where it clattered against the porcelain, but refused to go down the drain, out of my reach. I could feel the sting of each of the new cuts, seven in total. Did it matter anymore? How many there were? Did it matter that they were there? Would it matter if they weren't? Would it matter if I were gone?

Would it matter?

I breathed in deeply, taking in the questions, then let it out with the answer.

"No."

My hands shook as I picked up the razor, ran it under the water, dried it, then replaced it back in the small bag in the medicine cabinet. I knew exactly why, but I pretended to believe that I was just hungry.

I pulled my shirt back on, not bothering to bandage the cuts. Blood seeped through the dark gray fabric. I watched it bloom, like a flower in time lapse, before it stopped. I sighed and raised my eyes to the mirror again. I tried to meet my own eyes.

But I stopped.

The one thing I was terrified of, was my eyes.

Terrified that I really didn't care. Terrified of what I'd see in my reflection.

I walked to the door and unlocked it. I opened the door, turned the light off behind me, and started down the hall, towards the kitchen. I could at least make breakfast for Yukio. He was heading out on a mission this morning. He'd probably be up at around five, to get ready, then be out the door at five forty-five.

I closed the door to the abandoned boy's dorm cafeteria behind me, and leaned against it, feeling weak again. The weight was gone, but somehow, that didn't make me feel much better.

I forced myself to move forward, and I entered the kitchen. Ukobach wasn't here. I suspected he was with Mephisto at the moment. He had been there a lot lately, since I began to take over with the cooking.

It was mechanical now, cooking. I no longer found joy in it. I didn't lose any of my skill, but it wasn't something that I was particularly proud of anymore. Cooking is just following a recipe, anyways.

I put the rice in the rice cooker and began to make miso soup. Would I end up eating any? Probably not. I felt to sick too my stomach to do so. And my damn hands wouldn't stop shaking.

After I finished making the miso soup, I sat down, my hands clasped between my knees in an attempt to keep them from trembling. It wasn't working. I shook my head. I had to hold out. As soon as Yukio left, then I'd go and take care of it.

The rice cooker beeped softly a while later, and I got up from my seat. I took out a tray and some dishes, and set them out, ready to prepare breakfast. I looked at the kitchen clock. Four thirty-seven. Yukio would be up soon.

I put some vegetables into two of the dishes, then waited. I'd put the rest of the meal out when he was downstairs and ready.

Ten minutes later, Kuro somehow managed to open the door, and he padded quietly over to me. I had already set out some heated leftovers for him, and without a word, he ate, then left. I pretended not to notice the sad look he gave me before he left the room.

I closed my eyes. _'The sooner you detach yourself from me, the better.' _I thought to myself, as I began to hear the sounds of Yukio getting up and dressed. "He's early." I muttered to myself.

When I heard his footsteps on the stairs several minutes later, I got up, poured the soup into one of the bowls, and spooned some rice into the other. I set it out onto the tray and came out of the attached kitchen just as Yukio entered the room.

He stopped, then blinked. "You're up." He said, sounding slightly surprised... maybe even a little wary.

I shrugged and set the tray down on the table. "I woke up at f-.. early, and I realized that you wouldn't eat anything for breakfast unless it was made... so here. Eat." I responded, before I straightened up and headed towards the door, where Yukio was still standing.

He frowned. "You're not going to eat?" He asked.

I glanced at him. "No. I'm not hungry." I forced myself to yawn and shrugged again. "Besides, I'm tired. I should get some more sleep before... before school..." I said. As if I'd go to school. I'd been skipping school, on and off, for the past few months. Cram school I'd missed a little less of, but only because Yukio would be more likely to notice my absence.

"Is that blood on your shirt?" Yukio's voice broke into my thoughts.

I raised my eyebrow. "Maybe. I dunno. Maybe I scratched my side and I didn't notice." I brushed past him. "Anyways. Even if I did, it's healed now." I lied as I made my way towards the stairs.

I was stopped by a hand grabbing my wrist. "Nii-san... what is wrong with you?" Yukio asked suddenly.

I turned my head and stared at him for a moment. I was painfully aware of my shaking hands, and I knew that he would notice something like that. All I could hope was that he wouldn't put two and two together...

I took a deep breath. _'Calm down... what do you care that he notices? Tell the truth.' _

I sighed and turned to face him. "I... to tell you the truth..." I started. I drew my hand away from Yukio's grasp. _Tell the truth... do it! _"I... Yesterday..." I trailed off. _Yesterday I was on Adderall to cope with the tiredness from the Benadryl, and so that I could feel happy. _"Yesterday... the kid that was attacked... he's my friend... and..." _Why aren't you telling him what's wrong with you?! Well, you can't go back now, make something up! _"He... he told me that he was going to..." _No! Go back! Tell him what's wrong! Tell the damn truth! _"That he was going to kill himself..." I spit out.

..._..What the hell, mouth? That's not what I wanted you to say. Oh well._

Yukio blinked. "He..." He started, but he couldn't seem to find any words to say. "Are you..." He mumbled.

_Go on... go on! _"I... I'm a little scared... I dunno if he's alive or not..." I forced a laugh without meaning to. Dammit. Here I was, telling what... telling what _might _be the truth, and I was turning it into a 'no-big-deal' scenario... "So... I'm a little out of it right now, sorry..." I apologized.

After a moment of silence, in which Yukio stared at me like I had grown a second head, I sighed and turned around. "I'll be fine. Anyways, you gotta eat now, or you'll be late. And I'm tired, I need sleep." I turned and walked out of the room, closing the door firmly behind me before Yukio could even respond.

I had just placed my foot on the first step, when-

"He's alive, Nii-san!"

I froze. "What?" I called back through the closed door.

"... He's alive. I got a call last night. I'd given the hospital my work number, in case it was demon related, but they called to inform me that he was fine, and that he showed no signs of being attacked by someone who was possessed... but I didn't think he was someone important to you." Yukio finished.

Silence.

Then, he cleared his throat. "I'll be late. Go back to sleep. I'll see you tonight." A few moments later, I heard the cafeteria door close as he left. I guess he didn't have time to eat.

I swallowed, then took a few steps up the stairwell... before promptly collapsing to my knees.

I covered my mouth with my hand. Tears welled up in my eyes, and there was something in my chest... it wasn't the normal pressure, but more like...

Relief?

Relief. That was it. I was relieved. Relieved that Rouga was alive...

_But... it shouldn't have happened in the first place._

My eyes widened as my own thoughts broke in.

_What?_

_I mean... if you had just done something when you noticed he was getting worse..._

_But I-_

_He never would have felt like that. He never would have left to kill himself. He wouldn't have-_

_Stop..._

_He wouldn't have gotten hurt, you monster._

"_SHUT UP!"_

I slammed my fist down into the stairwell. The wood cracked, sending a splinter into my hand. I winced, and lifted my hand to look at the small injury. It was the same hand from my memory, wasn't it?

The tears in my eyes spilled over my cheeks. One of the drops hit my shaking hand.

I covered my mouth again, muffling my sobs, and lay down on the stairs. I knew I looked like a child. Like a mess. Like I was a mere four steps away from falling apart into a pile of guilt and and ripped seams, instead of four steps away from the top of the stairs.

But then again, why would I give a damn about what I looked like?! Why would I give a damn about what was happening to me?! The only thing I _should _have been giving a damn about was my friend! The people I cared about! The people in my life who _had _a life ahead of them!

I shouldn't give a damn about myself.

I wouldn't.

I stared at my trembling hands, and my headache was becoming increasingly worse.

"I need a drink..."

That was, believe it or not, the first time I said that with horror tinging my tone.

* * *

**So... sorry I've been gone so long.**

**Anyways, here's the next chapter. Yay! Ryo- Oops, sorry... Rouga's alive! My baby... I think I've started to care about him a little too much. I've been working on a side story about him, mostly for my own creative output, but if you guys want to read something like that, either tell me in the comments, or go to my profile- there's a poll about it that you can answer.**

**Okay, so... yeah. If you guys don't know about AWS (Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome) what Rin is showing with his tremors and his sort of... "Hangover-on-steroids" is that. In the story, it's been about... six hours since his last drink, so well within the limit of time that AWS can start to occur.**

**Anyways. Again, sorry for the wait. Love you all. :) And sorry for putting you guys through this shit, lol.**


	14. Four Feet Down

_**You're hands are splintered from the tool,**_

_**Bleeding, ragged, rough.**_

_**Your heart pounds with guilt and grief and rage,**_

_**And now you're four feet down.**_

* * *

I wanted to see him.

I mean, I _really _wanted to go and see him, and actually wanting to do something was a big deal in my current state.

But I knew that I couldn't just waltz into the hospital and see him, for two reasons.

One: If I walked into a building crawling with medical professionals, they'd realize the minute I even made one misstep that I was drunk... or, maybe even the second I walked up to the front desk.

And two...

I didn't deserve to go and see him.

I was the one who should have talked to him... I was the one who should have insisted that he get help, despite how much of a raging hypocrite it would have made me.

I took a sip from the bottle of sake that I had clutched in my hand. I had used it for cooking before, but I didn't use it much otherwise, so there was a lot left in the bottle.

I carefully set the glass bottle down on the floor next to my bed. I closed my blurry eyes and sighed. I tried to get myself to stop feeling like the room was a spinning top, but I only succeeded in finding out I had a particularly bad case of the hiccups. I would have rolled my eyes, but it would take too much energy that I couldn't spare to lose.

I exhaled slowly. Honestly, I didn't want to be drinking right now. I didn't want to be drunk. I wanted to stop, but I knew that I couldn't.

And it wasn't just that I couldn't stop because I felt the need to drink... it wasn't all that I just wanted to keep feeling numb, even though those were big parts of why I couldn't stop... but the major reason was because... because...

Because, dammit, my body wouldn't be able to handle my stopping.

I knew that if I stopped drinking, and I let the alcohol leave my system, I'd start withdrawing. I knew yesterday, when I stopped trying to fool myself that it was just a bad hangover. My shaking hands, my pale, sweaty face... I'd had that before, but mildly, when I first quit drinking...

And let me tell you, that was one of the hardest things I'd ever done.

I couldn't go through that again. It was worse this time, I knew it was, I was drinking now a lot more than I did back then.

I couldn't stop, it was too painful, too miserable... it wouldn't make my life any easier.

I opened my eyes and stared at the bottom of the bunk above me.

So, what was I going to do?

I knew, deep down, that I couldn't keep going like this for the rest of my life. Eventually, the healing that still worked would stop working. My liver would fail, my friends and family would eventually find out, they'd start to leave me, and where would that put me? Right back where I started, and that wasn't a nice place.

So my options?

Pretty much one.

It would cause the people I cared about the least amount of grief. In fact, it would make them feel better, safer. And they _would _be safer, without me to worry about. I would never have to worry about going crazy on them again. I didn't ever want to put them in danger, yet here I was, an already unstable... _thing, _making myself more unstable with drug use and a bad mental state.

So my option was to either keep doing this and put everyone in danger...

Or to drink for the rest of my life... which, I would make sure of, wouldn't be that much longer.

I clutched at the sheets I was laying on. What would their lives be like, if I killed myself? I mean, besides more stable and more safe?

Yukio would probably end up with some hot chick as a wife... there were so many girls after him. He would probably become Paladin, or some other high ranking exorcist, being the child prodigy he was. He'd get a nice house, not having to worry about my going berserk, not having to worry about demons, because god knows how good he was at killing those.

Shiemi... I shook my head. I wasn't really sure what I felt about her anymore. I felt totally betrayed, but I deserved it... I didn't blame her. She was strong, but even strong people get weak-kneed in the face of evil, don't they? She had every right to be afraid of me, _I _sometimes was afraid of me!

She'd probably take over the shop... meet someone special... get married, and blah blah blah... She wouldn't have to be afraid of me anymore. She wouldn't have to dance around the subject of my demon side, or sneak little side glances at me during class when she thought I couldn't see.

I still had a soft spot for her, but I didn't deserve someone that... pure.

I was a demon, right? Impure, devilish, sly, evil.

I clenched my teeth.

How did anyone ever put up with me!? How- _why _did Father Fujimoto bother to raise me!? He knew who I was, _what _I was, he should have just killed me, or left me for dead, and raised Yukio! Then Yukio could have grown up like a normal kid, not learning how to fight demons, not knowing that his brother was devil-spawn, not even knowing that he'd _had _a brother!

And I know it was selfish... but if he'd just killed me, I wouldn't have had to go through all this.

Growing up a delinquent... getting into fights, hurting people, getting hurt, hurting myself... learning I was a demon, hurting my friends... then starting to hurt myself _again. _My whole damn life was just a never ending carousel of hurt. Of pain. Of fighting, of one sort or another.

And what about Rouga?

What had I done for him?! I used him for alcohol, used him for quick escapes, and what did I give him in return?! Nothing! Hell, I knew he was getting worse, and I didn't do shit about it! I could have helped him, I could have talked to him, I could have convinced him to get help, but did I?! No! I was too caught up in my own damn selfish thoughts that I didn't even think to help him! This kid who actually had a life ahead of him!

"Nii-san! Are you awake?"

I sucked in a breath and scrambled to hide the bottle in my bag, before shoving it under the bed. I heard Yukio's steps on the stairs, and I quickly pulled the covers haphazardly up to my waist, before turning off my bedside light and rolling onto my side, closing my eyes just as I could hear Yukio outside the dorm room door.

I feigned sleep as Yukio entered the room, saw that I was 'sleeping', and began to put his work things away.

As I let the alcohol take over my mind, I breathed out, feeling some stress leave my body as I made up my mind.

_'Sorry, Yukio.'_

* * *

**Sorry everyone, for the wait. Things have been rough, so... yeap. Anyways, sorry this chapter is a bit short. I still dunno how I'm gonna end it... so yup.**

**Thanks again for being with me through all of this! You guys are great people, and I'm so glad I make something that you all enjoy reading! :) 3**

**P.S. Special thing; I like to draw. If you guys have questions about this (ie what the hell is going on with this, lol) feel free to ask me, and I'll post responses on my DeviantArt account... Rouga will most likely be the one answering, because, you know, he ain't dead, obviously, haha.**

**So yeah.**

**Love you. Muah.**


	15. Five Feet Down

_**You're breaths are shallow, you're gasping for breath,**_

_**You haven't stopped for a moment's rest.**_

_**It's all coming together now,**_

_**And now you're five feet down.**_

* * *

The wind whipped through my hair, cooling the back of my neck and my face, which was flushed. I huffed, and raised my cigarette to my lips again, taking a drag and blowing smoke into the air. I watched the smoke dissipate into the breeze. The stars blurred in my vision, so I closed my eyes.

I leaned back against the wall next to the door, thumping my head lightly against the stone. I'd locked the door, just in case. I didn't think that Yukio would wake up, he was pretty tired, but who knows? The reason he'd been told to live in this abandoned dorm with me was because they needed someone to keep an eye on me. I knew that he usually slept lightly, in case I suddenly woke up with the intent to attack someone.

I scoffed at the thought, and stuck the cigarette between my lips so I could take off my sweatshirt. It was getting too hot for me. I shrugged it off and let it drop behind me. I could hear, somewhere in the building, that Kuro was calling for me, his cries slightly desperate.

The thought of leaving him alone made tears of guilt prick at my eyes. He shouldn't feel this way. The only reason he liked me was... attachment. Next best thing. Shiro, his best friend, died, and I was his... son. That was it. He didn't even know that _I _was the one who killed him in the first place! I killed him! Shiro was his best friend, and I...

I clenched my teeth and took the cigarette out of my mouth, noticing that it had burned out. I dropped it on the ground and stepped on it. My bare foot stinging a little where the embers burned me.

I took a deep breath and let my tail curl around into my lap. I touched the coarse, thick hairs that covered it's length. So sensitive. I sneered at the appendage and reached into my pocket.

I had refrained from doing this before, because I think I was desperately trying to cling to whatever humanity I had left, but what was the point? I'd be gone in a short time, so what was the point of holding on to this tiny amount of the human I used to be?

I pulled the razor blade out of my pocket and pinched the cold metal. I ran my thumb along the blade, drawing a thin line across my skin. Red beaded up, and I sighed. Whatever.

I touched the edge of the blade to my tail and swallowed. If I went through with this, I'd be accepting the fact that I was, indeed, a demon. Did I really want to-

_Shut up, Okumura._

I sliced the blade along my tail without a second thought. Blinding pain shot through my body, and I dropped the razor to clap my hands over my mouth. I screamed, tears burning my eyes. Jesus _Christ _that hurt!

I gritted my teeth. _You deserve it, you fucking devil-spawn!_

I picked up the razor again and etched at the dark, unwanted addition to my body. It hurt like a mother fucker, and it took all I had not to scream bloody murder, but I kept going. Blood pulsed from the wounds, but it seemed to be slowing down. I guess this was the limit my demon side could take. Your human body, sure, go all out. Oh shit, you're cutting _me? _Fuck man, I'm gonna heal that shit!

Why the hell was there a difference? This was my body right?! This damn tail! These fucking teeth, the god damn _pointy ears _I had!? Right?! What fucking different!?

_Just hurt!_

I gasped in shock as I pressed a bit too hard on the razor, resulting in a particularly deep cut. The skin had parted, revealing the tissue beneath. I held my hands over my mouth and wailed. I couldn't help it. It was painful, really, _really _painful!

_'RIN!'_

The next second, the door shuddered as a large body slammed into it. I watched in fear, my eyes flickering from the slowly healing gash in my tail to the door.

_'Rin, answer me! I heard you scream, what happened?!' _The door was slammed into again, and my eyes widened. If Kuro kept up this racket, Yukio would-

"Kuro, stop, you'll wake up Yukio!" I hissed through the door, pushing the razor away and wincing as I moved my tail behind me. The less he saw, the better.

_'I don't care, Rin! I can smell blood, a lot of it! Open the door!' _He continued to push at the door, and I licked my lips.

I had to let him out, or else Yukio would wake up, and-

"Okay... Kuro, just hold on..." I murmured, defeated.

I struggled to my feet and walked over to the door, keeping one hand on the wall for balance. The pain and the saké throwing me off.

I unlocked the door and opened it, and immediately Kuro ran out, his full size, his green eyes glimmering with fear. _'Rin! Are you okay!? Where are you hurt?' _He cried, sniffing me. His ears drooped when I didn't answer. _'You're... you're drinking again...' _He sounded distraught, and I forced a laugh.

"Why would you care? Didn't you and Shiro used to drink all the time?" I said, awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck and hoping for once that my self inflicted wounds would heal.

Kuro seemed to frown at me, and he nuzzled my face. _'Yeah, but we always did it to celebrate, you're just...' _He trailed off, taking in my appearance. _'Sad.' _He finished.

I huffed. "I'm not sad, Kuro." I said. _Right? _I asked myself.

Kuro was sniffing the air, and I saw him start to creep around me. I nonchalantly moved my tail further away, not wanting him to have that image in his head.

It didn't work.

_'Rin! Your tail!'_

I sighed. "I'm fine, Kuro, it's nothing you need to worry about." I mumbled, swaying as the wind picked up a little.

Kuro lapped at my tail, and I hissed, flinching away from the stinging, but I could feel the cut speeding up in it's healing. _'Rin, this isn't 'nothing I need to worry about, you're-' _He started to say, but I cut him off.

"I said, you don't need to worry!" I snapped. I whipped around. It hurt. It hurt to yell at him, but if that's what it took...

_'Rin-'_

"You won't need to worry in a little while! You don't need to worry about me, and I don't _want _you to worry about me, I don't want your damn _help!" _I shouted. Kuro shrunk back to his smaller size, his two tails curling under his belly and his chest touching the ground in a submissive posture. I was scaring him.

I didn't want to scare him, but if that's what it took to get him to hate me...

To hate me enough to not feel sad when I...

I pointed at the door. "Go. I don't care where, just go." I growled, pouring as much false spite into my voice as I could.

Kuro's eyes welled with tears, and he darted around me, through the slightly open door, and down the stairs.

I slammed the door behind him and staggered. I collapsed to my knees and held my face in my hands, shuddering with barely contained sobs. I felt my tail, now fully healed, curl around me, as if my demon side were attempting to comfort me. I pounded my fist down on the sensitive flesh, over and over, until the physical pain almost overtook the emotional pain I was feeling.

Almost.

I raised my face and looked up at the stars. It should have been overcast. Gray. But nothing seemed to go well with me, right?

Clear, bright white lights glimmering like shards of crystal caught in the headlights of a car.

It was too beautiful for me too be allowed to look at.

"Are you proud of me now, Shiro!" I cried out. "Are you proud of what I've become!? Huh!?" I punched the ground as hard as I could. "You said I grew up! You said to show you how much I've grown, but..." I hiccoughed. "I haven't grown at all, dad!" My voice cracked, and I sobbed.

I was silently hoping for some sort of miracle to happen.

I just needed to see his face.

Just for a moment.

But there was nothing.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"You've been missin' classes."

I stared at Shura, keeping my face blank. "How observant." I scoffed.

I had decided to come to Cram School for once, and Shura had her hands planted on the table in front of me, her violet eyes narrowed. I saw Shiemi shift uncomfortably in her seat, and I sighed. "Can we talk about this another time?" I asked.

Shura's brow furrowed, and she looked like she wanted to say something, but I cut her off. "Because it's the beginning of class, and the others are being held up. Don't deprive them of something just because I decided to show up." I mumbled quietly, so the boys across the room wouldn't hear me. If they heard that, they'd know something was up.

Shura chewed on her lip. "Fine." She spat. "I'm goin' on an exorcism tonight, so I'll meetcha at the dorm tomorrow night... you _will _be there, or else." She jabbed me in the forehead and spun on her heel, striding towards the teacher's desk.

I smiled sadly. Right. I'd be there.

Not.

"Rin?"

I looked over at Shiemi, who had whispered my name. I grinned at her.

"Talking in class are we? This is new." I said, forcing as much happiness into my voice as I could.

Shiemi watched me for a minute. "Are you okay?" She murmured, seeming a little worried.

I blinked, as if I were confused. Then, I smiled again. "Yeah. These past months I've been a little off, but it was just insomnia. I've got it under control finally, hehe." I rubbed the back of my neck.

I hated to lie to her.

To any of them.

But it seemed to work.

Shiemi smiled. "Oh, that's a relief."

Guilt stabbed at my chest, and I turned my eyes to the front of the class, where Shura was talking about some sort of demon that inhabited New England in America.*

Not that I'd need the information.

I was just here to say goodbye, in a way.

.

.

.

"You say you're better, but I don't see any difference in your learning capabilities!" Bon jokingly smacked me upside the head, causing a headache. I smiled.

"Shut up, Rooster!" I laughed.

Shima and Konekomaru caught up to us, and we started walking down the street. Shima patted my shoulder. "Jeez, now that you're getting to sleep more, eat some damn food, you're thinner that Koneko!"

"Hey!"

"Hah? It's not that bad!"

"Are you going to ignore the fact that you just insulted me?!"

I flicked Konekomaru lightly, and he flinched.

_'But still, to this day, he doesn't fully trust his friend.'_

Hurt made my fake smile falter, but only for a second. I snickered. "Don't worry, Koneko, you'll grow!" I said, darting forward, out of his reach.

I saw Shiemi and Kamiki walking a few yards behind us, and I waved, smiling widely. I felt the ground beneath me disappear, and I staggered. I looked over my shoulder to find myself in the street. Hm.

"Okumura, get your ass outta the street." Bon chuckled.

I cocked my head and continued walking. "Why? I'm going this way anyways." I said. I felt a car go by behind me, close enough to make my hair lift in the wind. Shima yelped and Bon grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the curb.

"Dude, use the damn crosswalk!"

I lifted my hands in surrender. "Alright, alright!" I walked backwards towards the crosswalk and hiked my book bag back up onto my shoulder as I waved. "See ya tomorrow!" I called, before I turned around and headed across the road, not bothering to look both ways.

What was the point of being safe, now? I wasn't gonna be here much longer.

How would they do, without me? Besides better? How long would they care?

I snuck a glance over my shoulder, to see Shiemi and Kamiki catch up to the guys, where they continued on their way.

I smiled halfheartedly. They'd be fine without me.

Good.

* * *

Here we are!

Next update's tomorrow.

*New England demon. Not really a demon, but a creature from the Wampanog mythology... and I swear to god I saw one once. Lol. Not kidding.

Anyways, here's this chapter, hope you like.

Love ya! :)


	16. Six Feet Down

_**You're standing there, the entrance a foot above your head,**_

_**Standing there, in this pit you've dug.**_

_**The sun is low, but still burns your eyes.**_

_**You've done it, you're six feet down.**_

* * *

_"He's a demon, I swear!"_

_"Look at that face!"_

_"Where did he go wrong..."_

_"He'll be nothing but trouble."_

_I felt tears fall from my eyes as I pinched the bruise that had already formed on my ankle. I tried to find some relief from the words that cut into my mind, but nothing seemed to work..._

_I really was a demon._

* * *

_"We have no need for a delivery boy who doesn't come back!"_

_"But there were these boys picking on-"_

_"I don't care. Don't come back here."_

_Why wasn't I needed?_

* * *

_"Is he drunk?"_

_"Ha, fucking loser."_

_My fist connected with his face, with the accuracy of someone stone cold sober. "You wanna try me?!" I shouted drunkenly, my fists clenched at my sides._

_The boy in front of me spit out blood, letting me have the satisfaction of knowing I'd split his cheek. "Bring it on, you fuckin' demon!"_

_Why couldn't I control myself?_

* * *

_I had a bad feeling about this building. The sign above the door hang haphazardly from the stone, it's words faded with time and the weather. Broken glass littered the ground below the shattered 2nd and 3rd floor windows. A strange aura surrounded the place, warning me to leave, but I knew it was just the demons that inhabited the building. I took a breath and grinned._

_"Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go!"_

_Why didn't I listen to my instincts?_

* * *

_"Would you like to hear a story?"_

_A weird compulsion to listen. This was just a ghost, right? Her pitch black eyes were unnerving, sure, but she wasn't a demon, she probably had some advice on where to find the demons._

_Why didn't I kill her?_

* * *

_"Okumura..."_

_Flames swirled around me. My sword felt cool in my hand. My vision kept switching between sharp and blurry, but I knew who was standing in front of me._

_Bon._

_I growled and moved forward, my tail swishing angrily behind me like a feral cat._

_'Why am I doing this?' I wondered vaguely._

_'Because he's hurt you. All of them. Kill them all.' A woman's voice cooed. Someone brushed their fingers comfortingly through my hair, and I ran away, following Bon's scent._

_'She's right.'_

_Why didn't I break free?_

* * *

_"Screw that! He's different, and you know that! It's a whole different scenario seeing as he's the son of Satan! He could kill someone in a second if they weren't expecting it!"_

_She wasn't the one who was right..._

_Bon was._

_I was just a demon._

_Why couldn't I do anything right?_

* * *

_"Ow! Watch it, asshole!"_

_A boy, maybe a year older. His hair was dyed a dirty blonde, but his black hair showed at the roots. His coal gray eyes glared down at me. Anger began to flicker in my chest. I returned the glare, feeling my fists clench._

_The boy laughed mirthlessly and widened his stance. "Don't glare at me, kid, you don't know what you're gettin' into!"_

_I grit my teeth and straightened up. "Shut up, punk..." I growled._

_Why did I have to look for trouble?_

* * *

_"You want something to drink?"_

_Was it that easy to tell?_

_Why did I have to be so weak._

* * *

_"If you need anything... drinks, drugs... come here. I know the feeling of needing them. You're welcome to come here for 'em."_

_I was too close to accepting it._

_Why did I have to fall so easily?_

* * *

_"Funny how hard it is to get out, but how quickly you fall, isn't it?"_

_Why did Rouga have to be so right?_

* * *

_Dizziness, drowsiness._

_Sleep._

_Medicated._

_How did I let myself get to this point?_

_Why did I like it?_

* * *

_"Sure."_

_So weak._

* * *

_What are you waiting for? You've already fucked up your life, what else is there to fuck up?_

_Oh, I had no idea._

* * *

_He was just a kid._

_And I was only a demon._

_Monster._

_Demon._

_Awful._

_Worthless._

_He was going to kill himself._

_You didn't help._

_You monster._

_._

_._

_you monster._

* * *

_"I need a drink..."_

_No..._

* * *

_"Sorry, Yukio."_

* * *

I flung the bottle at the door of the roof, and it burst, scattering glass through the orange light of the sunset. I watched as it all fell to the ground. It reminded me of the shattered glass below the insane-asylum... where all this shit started.

Maniacal laughter bubbled up behind my lips. Well, if it hadn't, it wouldn't have led to me doing this.

I couldn't have saved them.

Had I been in a better state of mind, I would have felt grateful to that demon... Lady Midday, or whatever the fuck her name was.

I plucked at my sweater. I didn't feel the need to dress nicely for this. This wasn't something to look good for. I was about to leap off a fucking building, being in a suit wouldn't make me look any less dead.

I scoffed and lifted my hands. I raked my fingers through my hair, pulling at the tangles that had formed.

I didn't leave a note. It wouldn't make any difference, whether I did or not. I'd be dead either way. Although, now that I thought of it, I should have at least left them something telling them I was sorry.

Oh well, too late.

I turned and faced the edge of the building and walked forwards. I looked out over the edge and exhaled slowly. I wasn't on the roof of the abandoned boy's dorm, I was back where Rouga lived. It was a quiet street, and seeing as it wasn't a part of the town that was doing too well, there weren't many people. Rouga's building stood next to the one I stood at the top of.

I wrenched my eyes away from the building's door and looked straight down. The pavement loomed closer, it seemed, and I staggered a little. I took a deep breath. It was now or never.

_'You have the chance to save them, you should take it...'_

I took another step, so half of my foot was off of the building, hanging in midair.

_'One more step...'_

_RING_

I stopped in my tracks.

Was that my phone?

_RING_

I frowned. I forgot to turn it off?

I stepped back with an exasperated sigh and dug it out of my pocket. It was probably Yukio, or Shura, trying to lecture-

...Shima?

Why the hell would...

I huffed, about to tuck it back into my pocket, but I stopped.

I didn't leave a note... this was my chance to tell them...

Tell them that I was sorry.

I hesitantly flipped open the phone and held it to my ear.

"'Lo?" I rasped.

_"Okumura-kun! Wow, you're not sleeping?"_ Shima laughed. I could hear someone scoff in the background.

"'m I on speaker?" I slurred, not bothering to hide the fact that I was drunk.

_"Yes, you moron. You sound like shit, what's up?"_ That was Bon, I knew that voice.

"... Nothing." I lied, sighing.

_"That doesn't sound like nothing, Okumura-kun."_ Konekomaru piped up.

"...hm..." I murmured. "Why are you calling?" I asked, a little curious.

_"Because you've been weird for months, and then you suddenly start acting like normal! Something's up, and we're your friends, so what's up?"_ Shima said.

I paused.

"What's... what's wrong with acting normal? Isn't that a good thing?" I wondered aloud.

_"Not when you've been off for months."_ Shima continued.

_"We care about you, dolt! Don't make me repeat it!"_ Bon growled. Shima 'awed', following by a kicking sound and a clattering that suggested the phone had been dropped. After a second, it was picked up again. _"Now tell us what's wrong!"_ Bon went on.

What's...

Wrong...?

I felt something tighten in my chest.

Was he...

"You tellin' the truth?" I swallowed.

_"Of course, moron."_

My eyes widened.

He sounded...

I scrambled back from the edge of the building. I drew a shuddering breath and tears began to well in my eyes. "S-Suguro..." I stammered, I looked out over the sea of buildings.

_"Oi, Okumura, what is it?"_

"I need..." I muttered quietly. Did he really- was I about to-

_"What the hell are you saying? Stop mumbling, for Christ's sake!"_

I covered my mouth with my hand, muffling a sob. Tears hit my cheeks, making my cheeks cool in the breeze.

_"Okumura, what's-"_

"I need help..."

* * *

**Surprise... I lied. Double update today, I just wanted to watch you guys flail for a little while... sorry. :P**

**So many line breaks...**

**lol.**

**Plot twists.**

**Everywhere.**

**Lol**

**I'm laughing a lot.**

**Anyways, I wanted to take a little bit of a different direction from the usual "found out" scenario. I know from experience that doesn't always happen. I had to tell someone. A lot of this story is drawing upon my own experience, at least the emotional stuff. (And minus the whole 'son-of-Satan' thing... hehe)**

**Anyways, here we are.**


	17. Try Again, Okumura

I stood outside the door to the abandoned boy's dorm. My shirt was wet and filthy on one side, where I'd lost my balance and fallen into a puddle on the way here. My vision doubled and blurred, and my eyes ached to close. But I couldn't sleep. Not yet.

I could hear them inside, shuffling, quietly talking. I could only imagine what they were thinking.

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't say it. The words were stuck to the tip of my tongue as if they were super glued there, refusing to pass my lips. I stammered, hesitated, and finally gave up. Tears had been pouring down my face, and I still wasn't entirely sure why. I told them to meet me at the dorm. I thought I could face them... I thought it would be easier to tell them in person, but it was so hard to just...

To just put my hand on the door.

I took a step back. If I just ran, I could pass it off as...

I replaced the step I'd taken back and flung the door open before I could even finish the thought.

If I was going to live, I'd need help... if I needed help, I'd have to ask for it.

I stood in the doorway, my balance off from the alcohol in my system. I held onto the door frame to keep myself upright.

I stared into the silence.

Bon, Shima, Konekomaru... they were all there, watching me, looking as if they weren't sure what to say.

I swallowed and reached into my pocket, fumbling around for my phone. I drew it out, flipped it open, and checked the time; 6:10 pm. It had taken me about forty minutes to get from Rouga's street to the dorm... Shura would probably be arriving at around seven. Yukio was at an exorcism, and wouldn't be home until early tomorrow morning.

"Okumura-kun..."

I looked up as Shima broke the silence, taking a step forward. His mouth opened and closed, then finally he spoke again. "Um... what's... what happened?"

I drew in a slow breath through my nose, putting my phone back into my pocket and lifting my hand to my face. I raked my fingers through my hair and closed the door behind me, leaning heavily against it. "Ah... tha's..." I swallowed. Did I really have to...

Luckily, I didn't have to tell them just yet.

My legs buckled underneath me, sending me to my knees. I groaned as my head spun wildly, and I heard shouts of surprise from the other boys. I heard footsteps coming towards me, but for once I didn't resist when they grabbed my arms and hauled me back to my feet.

"Okumura, what the hell's wrong with you?" Bon snapped, squeezing my arm.

I gulped and looked down. "I've been drinkin'..." I muttered under my breath.

"Speak up, Okumura, we can't hear you."

I lifted my head, keeping my eyes squeezed shut as shame burned at my already flushed face. "I've been drinkin'!" I admitted. My chest tightened, and my eyes burned with tears that wanted to escape. "'S... 's the only thing that helps anymore..." I slurred, clenching my fists.

More silence.

Then;

"You... you've gotta be pulling my leg..." Bon murmured. I bit my lip and shook my head. I felt him grab my collar, like he so often did when he was pissed. I awaited the verbal lashing I was about to receive with reluctant ears.

"If you're not kidding me, and this isn't just some sick joke, then you'd better be prepared for the beating I'm gonna give you! You're... you're scaring me, man, this ain't you!" Bon shouted, making me flinch.

I forced myself to smile, even though it wasn't the right time to do so. "It... it gets sicker, believe me..." I reached over to Bon's hand and brushed it off. "Please let me go." I rasped. I coughed, my throat still sore from the smoking.

"Okumura-kun, you smell like-" Konekomaru chimed in quietly, sounding worried.

"Cigarettes... I know, believe me..." I scoffed, staggering over to the door that led to the cafeteria. "I'm a mess, I thought tha' would be obvious..." I sighed. I pushed open the door. "I need t' sit down, or I'm gonna crack my head open on th' floor..." I muttered, half to myself.

I heard them following me as I went into the cafeteria and sat down in one of the many chairs. I exhaled and dragged my hands down my face. The sound of chairs dragging on the floor made me cringe, but I didn't have the energy to tell them to be quieter.

"Okay. You're sitting. Tell us what the fuck happened." Bon growled.

I let my hands drop, and watched them, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I took a deep, shuddering breath and forced myself not to cry. This was humiliating enough, I didn't need more.

"I... I... there's something... wrong... with me." I managed to get out.

_'What the fuck? That wasn't their question.'_

"Obviously. But you're not answering us." Shima spoke up, his brown eyes narrowed in concern... for once.

I looked down, then back up, then back at my feet.

"I... I haven't been getting enough sleep..."

"Okumura..."

"I've... been drinkin' a lot, an'... an' other... things..." I choked out. Anxiety pounded at my rib cage, screaming at me, urging me to shut up... before I went too far.

_'Shut up, me.'_

"I'm depressed." I spat out the words like poison, spite and shame evident in my voice.

Silence again.

"You think we're idiots?" Bon snarled. "That was obvious the minute you told us you'd been... drinking a lot."

_'It should have been obvious before...'_

_'It's not their fault...'_

_'But if they-'_

_"Shut up."_

"The hell do you mean 'shut up'?"

I clenched my teeth. "I said tha' out loud, didn't I?" I asked.

"...Yes..."

"Shit..." I hiccuped. I shook my head. "That wasn't..." I blinked hard, trying to focus my vision. "I've been... like this for... four... maybe five months..?" I mumbled.

"... why?" Shima asked.

I tensed.

Why?

_'Tell them the truth.'_

"It... it wasn't your fault..." I started. I swallowed nervously. "Th'... th' asylum... Lady Midnight, 'r whoever th' fuck she was..." I tried to suppress my hiccups, but it wasn't working, and I must have looked even more ridiculous than I had before.

"You mean Lady Midday?" Bon cut in.

I nodded and pointed lazily at him. "Tha's th' one... anyway, she-"

"It was my fault."

My eyes, which had been closing, snapped open at that. I looked at Bon, who was looking at his hands. "N-no, Suguro, I-"

"You were awake, weren't you?" He looked up at me, eyes glinting. "You heard me. You heard that stupid shit that I said, I thought you were down for the count, but..." His hands started shaking.

I frowned. "Suguro-"

"This is my fault for snapping like that! I didn't even mean it, I was just pissed, and I was scared, and I was stressed and I-"

"Suguro-"

"I'm sorry! God dammit, I'm sorry, and I ain't sayin' it a third time, I didn't mean what I said and-"

A tear streaked down my face, dripping off my chin and onto my hand.

"Bon, stop!" Konekomaru cut in.

Bon looked up at Konekomaru, then at me. He blinked. "O-oi, Okumura, I didn't-"

I slowly raised my hands and covered my face. "I'm sorry... I shouldn' be cr- I can't..." I coughed to clear my throat. "It... when you called... I was..." I chewed on the inside of my lip. "I was about to kill myself." I whispered.

.

.

.

"You were what?"

I shook my head, not taking my hands away from my face. "I was about to kill myself, guys, an' you called, an' I only picked up to tell you all I was sorry an' I..." I sniffed. "All this time, I thought that I... that I was gonna hurt you... that I s-scared you guys an'... I just... you called, an' I..." A sob escaped my lips, and I hunched my shoulders, shame beginning to rake it's fingers down my back once again.

"Okumura-kun, you weren't seriously about to-" Shima trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence, I guess.

I nodded. "It's not your fault... none 'f you, it's..." I shook my head again. "It's all me, m' fucked up, I always was... it was just my bein'-"

I was cut off by the door to the dorm being slammed open in the next room. I heard someone shout my name, and I curled in on myself. Shura. She came early. Of course she did. Now she had to see me like-

The door to the cafeteria flung open, and my red haired teacher stomped into the room, her face twisted in a scowl.

"Where is that little shit?! I texted him fifteen times, tellin' him to meet me at the Cram school, but did he respond?! N-Rin?" She stopped short where she stood, taking in my vulnerable position and the three other students in the room. "What's goin' on?" She asked, her tone switching quickly to serious.

Bon, Konekomaru, and Shima exchanged glances, before they stood up in unison, seeming as if they had choreographed it.

"Okumura will need help getting his drunk-ass up the stairs."

"Drunk-!?"

"Konekomaru, help him out. Shima, you... make like Shima and go away."

"Hey!"

"Hey is right, Shima-kun, what's goin' on here?!"

"Kirigakure-sensei, just give me a minute to explain."

I felt someone's hands on my arm, and I glanced over through blurry eyes to see Konekomaru's face. He tilted his head towards the stairs. "Come on, Okumura-kun, let's get you to your room." He said quietly, helping me to my feet.

I nodded absent-mindedly, and followed him up the stairs. He asked me where my room was, and I directed him. Eventually, we arrived. I could hear muffled voices downstairs, and my chest tightened once again. I shouldn't have told them. I shouldn't have put that on them, I shouldn't have-

"I'm... I'm glad that you told us, Okumura-kun." Konekomaru spoke into the silence.

I looked up at him. "Wh-"

"If you hadn't... I..." He trailed off. "I know what it's like to lose a part of your family, and I don't want to know what it's like to lose a friend."

I stared at him, and Konekomaru looked away. "Y-you look as if you've never met me before in your life, what's-"

"I don't..." I licked my lips nervously and looked down. "I don't deserve friends like you..." I murmured.

Stillness.

"That statement was so wrong I'm not even going to answer it." Konekomaru said, a hint of a smile in his voice. I scoffed. "Your sweatshirt is wet." He pointed out.

I nodded. "I fell down."

"Hm." I felt his fingers grab my collar and begin to lift the shirt off of me. I panicked.

"Don't!" I yelped, reaching up and grabbing his hand as he did so.

_'What are you doing?! They need to know!'_

_'But they don't need to- he doesn't need to see it!'_

_''Too bad. They need to know.'_

"Okumura-kun-" Konekomaru's eyes were wide, shocked. "What's wrong-"

"You... you don't want to see my chest..." I muttered, letting go of his hand.

Konekomaru drew his hand back to himself. "Why do you say-"

"You don't need to see it..." I wrapped my arms around my chest. "It's... it's something for doctors to see not... not you guys..." I whispered.

Konekomaru's brow furrowed. "You're not... um..." He trailed off. I caught his eye, and his expression changed to one of slight fear. "Are you?" He asked.

I bit my lip. "...Yeah..." I replied, closing my eyes. I didn't need to see his reaction.

.

.

.

"You're going to get help."

"... Okay."

"Tonight, after you calm down a bit, I'm telling Shura to take you to the hospital."

".. Okay."

"We're going to be there for you."

"... I'm sorry..."

"Try again, Okumura-kun."

I looked at Konekomaru, startled by the unfamiliar determination in his voice. I took a deep breath.

_'Try again, Rin.'_

.

.

.

"Thank you."


	18. Some Demons Can't Just Be Exorcised

**Before I start this chapter, I wanted to acknowledge the families and friends of the victims in yesterday's shooting.**

**This is a horrible thing, and it shouldn't have happened. So many people were killed, so many were injured, and it's all thanks to this hate in our world.**

**As you read this, I hope you understand that anger directed towards this attack, towards the man who did this horrible thing, it won't help us go any further.**

**I think it's horrible, but I'm begging you all to try to not be angry. And if you are, I respect and understand that, but please don't act upon that anger. If you can, show as much compassion for the families and loved ones that are grieving right now. They need compassion, this is what this world needs at this time in history.**

**Thank you.**

* * *

I stood behind Shura at the front desk of the hospital. She glanced back at me, then looked away awkwardly. I swallowed and looked down.

It had been quite an odd night. After Bon and Shima explained the situation to Shura, she had stormed up to my room, ready to chew me out. Before she could say anything, Konekomaru had told her that I needed to go to the hospital, so, after I had sobered up a bit, and my classmates had gone back to their dorm, Shura took me here.

But I wasn't just here for myself.

"Can I help the next in line, please?"

The woman's voice broke into my tired thoughts, and Shura tapped my shoulder.

"This is your chance, Rin." Her voice was softer than normal, and when I caught her gaze, she quickly averted her eyes.

I nodded and walked up to the counter. A young woman sat behind the desk, her sleek black hair in a tight bun, her mouth pinched into a fake smile... believe me, I'd know it was fake, I was the master.

"Um... I want to... I wanted to visit a friend." I mumbled, not really knowing what to say.

The woman's eyes were concerned, taking in my haggard appearance, but she nodded. "Can I have their name, please?" She asked.

I hesitated. Did he want me to visit? I was the one who let him get to that point, what if he didn't want to see me?

I felt Shura lightly kick the back of my foot, and I glanced back at her. This time, she met my eyes evenly. "Just tell her, Rin." She whispered.

I turned back to the woman behind the desk. "I... I don't know his last name, um... Rouga?" I said uncertainly.

The woman typed something into her computer, and frowned. "There's no one under that name... when was he brought in?" She asked.

My brow scrunched as I tried to remember. Everything the past few days had been a blur, and I didn't really-

"It was about five days ago." Shura cut in. She stepped up behind me, and patted my arm before tucking her hands into her pockets.

The woman typed something else in. "Still no Rouga... but there's a Ryota, about sixteen years old?" She asked, her eyes flicking to me.

I chewed on the inside of my lip. _'Ryota? Could that be him?' _I wondered to myself. "Um... badly dyed blonde hair? He was badly injured." I suggested.

The woman nodded. "I'm guessing this is him. He's in inpatient care for now, so I'll have someone take you to his room. We'll have to search both of you for drugs, alcohol, or any sharp objects." She said. I nodded. I knew why.

A nurse brought us down several hallways and up a floor, he checked my bag and both of our pockets, before leading us to a door labeled '197'. Shura thanked the nurse and opened the door, shoving me in before I had a chance to react.

I looked up and froze.

Rouga was sitting in a chair next to a white bed, his eyes wide and trained on me. His skin was a better color, and his eyes looked more alert than I'd ever seen them.

And on the other side of the bed was...

I didn't know her. I had never seen her before in my life, but she looked slightly familiar, something about her face.

She was tall, and slim, with long, feathered black hair that fell to her hips. Her eyes were a soft brown and her skin was pale. She was definitely a beautiful woman. I tried to place a name to her face, but I couldn't.

My eyes went back to Rouga, then back to the woman. I blinked.

Oh.

"Am I... is this a bad time?" I asked quietly.

The woman's brow scrunched slightly. "Yes, I'm sorry can you-"

"_No. _This is _not _a bad time." Rouga spat, glaring at the woman. "Katsumi, I'd rather not ever talk to you again, but if I'm going to _have _to talk to you, I'd rather it be later... preferably on your deathbed." He growled, standing up. "We can talk later."

The woman- Katsumi- opened her mouth to protest, but Rouga cut her off again. "Go." He hissed, his coal gray eyes flashing dangerously.

Katsumi bit her lip, then spun on her heel and brushed past me, nearly knocking Shura of her feet and not even apologizing.

Shura was grumbling as we walked into the room.

Rouga sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. "I'm sorry about that. She's not the best person around." His eyes seemed to become distant for a moment, like he did sometimes, before he took a deep breath and looked at me. "So. You finally came to see me." He said with a small grin.

I swallowed. "I-I'm sorry, I-"

"No hard feelings, Rin. I get it." Rouga said, waving his hand.

There was silence in the room. I looked back at Shura, who was leaning against the wall, looking away. I turned my gaze back to Rouga. "So... I don't want to make assumptions, but I'm guessing that was your-"

"My bitch of a mom, yeah." He huffed, tapping his long fingers against his knee. "Wants to bring me home to that-" He stopped himself and exhaled. "Doesn't matter. No use in worrying about it right now, I won't be able to go back to them until I'm sober anyways..." He muttered.

Silence again.

"So..." I licked my lips nervously. "Um... Ryota?" I asked.

His head snapped towards me, his eyes wide. Then, his shoulders relaxed. "I suppose you wouldn't have been able to find me without getting my real name..." He sighed. "Ryota Minami... call me that if you want, but I myself prefer Rouga." He said quietly.

I forced myself to smile a little. "Well, I wasn't planning on calling you Ryota, so I guess that's a good thing." I said, moving over to the chair and sitting down in front of Rouga.

Rouga smiled, and it was a little shocking to see that it was... real?

"Hope you forgive me for keeping it from you." He said.

I shook my head and looked down. "We've... we've all got secrets..." I muttered.

"Like... being an exorcist?"

My neck cracked because of how fast I looked up, and I saw Shura glance over out of the corner of my eye.

Rouga smiled at my shocked expression. "You never know who could know about these things. I know you're an exorcist, Rin, I don't care." He scratched the back of his neck. "Both my parents are exorcists..." He said, somewhat ruefully. I wondered for a moment why he seemed to dislike talking about them, but I brushed the thought aside.

"If-If you knew, why didn't you-"

"What was the point? What we did... I'm guessing it was one of the only things you did where you weren't constantly thinking about being an exorcist... it was something you could use to get away from that world... who was I to fuck that up?" Rouga shrugged.

I stared at him. "Th-then you know about demons and..." I sighed. "I have something to... to tell you." I murmured.

Rouga crossed his ankles. "I doubt it will surprise me, but I'm listening." He said.

I smiled mirthlessly. Oh, I bet he would be.

I looked over at Shura. She seemed to know what I was about to say.

Should I take the chance? I had a friend, but after finding out that he knew about exorcists, and demons, if I told him that I was the son of Satan, would he not want to be around me anymore?

I swallowed. _'Just do it, Rin.'_

"I'm... I'm not fully human, I'm... I'm half demon." I admitted.

"... Okay...?" His tone told me to go on.

I shook my head. "Not... not just any demon, I'm the..." I hesitated and closed my eyes, not wanting to see his expression. "I'm the spawn of Satan." I mumbled.

.

.

.

"I know."

I opened my eyes. Rouga had a small smile on his face. "You kn-"

Rouga shrugged a little. "Well, I knew that you weren't... human." He huffed. "Rin Okumura. Son of the Paladin. 'Stay away from him Ryota, he's dangerous, he's a demon, it's obvious.'" He said in a mocking tone, all the while looking at the door.

I frowned. "If you knew, then-"

"We didn't grow up that far away from each other, you know. I'd see you at the park, playing with your brother, and the Paladin..." His gaze softened and he was doing that thing again, where he was just staring into nothing. "I remember... kind of... I was really drunk when this happened, but I was... I was fifteen... my parents were fighting again, and it was night, and I went out to the park... I was sitting on a bench, and you came along." He closed his eyes, as if he were trying to remember clearly. "You didn't even notice me. You sat on the swings, and you asked yourself why you couldn't do anything right." He opened his eyes and looked at me.

I blinked.

I remembered that night.

That was the night I lost the job I'd only just gotten. That was the first day I'd seen a demon, that was the day before...

Before...

Tears pricked at my eyes.

"Then you told yourself to stop thinking that way... and I remember, I wanted to see if you believed it... I don't remember much else from that night, but... I remember thinking..." Rouga took a deep breath. "I remember thinking that you didn't look like a demon, you looked like someone who _had _demons."

I stared at him, and he turned his gaze to me. "Some demons... you can't just exorcise them, can you?" He whispered, his own eyes beginning to swim. "But hey... maybe you'll get better."

I cleared my throat. "That's..."

"That's why he's here, kid." Shura's voice made me jump. I'd... kind of forgotten she was here.

We both looked over at her. "Rin's here to visit you, and then he's going to check himself into the hospital. Same boat as you, kid, from what I hear." Shura continued.

Rouga looked at me, seeming shocked. "You didn't-"

I looked away. "I was about to..." I confessed.

Rouga huffed. "I'm sorry, I must have-"

"It wasn't your fault." I interrupted. I stood up. "It wasn't your fault. It was mine, I was the one who decided to do it, you didn't tell me to, so don't even finish your sentence." I took in a breath. "Let's just... let's just get through this part, okay?" I said, my voice breaking. A tear rolled down my cheek, and Rouga stared.

Then, after a silent moment, he reached out and gently punched my arm. "You sound ridiculous..." he muttered. He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked back up at me. "Okay."

* * *

**So, Rouga's alive. My little baby, Ryota Minami. (GOD I've been wanting to say his real name dramatically for a while now, hehe)**

**So, this is one of the last chapters. The next chapter might actually be the last one. Maybe there will be an epilogue, I dunno. So, anyways, here you are. Rouga's alive, Rin's alive, everyone is safe, even if they aren't particularly happy right now.**

**Yeap...**

**So... there you go!**

**I love you all, thank you for staying with me this whole time!**

**Oh, if you wanna check out my deviantart, there's a (sort-of) link in my profile. Also, feel free to vote on the poll on my profile as well, it's about an extra story.**


	19. I Will

**Gonna keep the author's note at the top this time. :)**

**Whoa... so, as of August 23, this year, this story will have been on Fanfiction for two years... TWO YEARS. Jeez, it doesn't seem like it's been that long!**

**Well, I certainly took my damn sweet time, didn't I? Haha, sorry it took so long, guys!**

**You guys have been there with me through a lot... not just Rin's emotions, but mine as well, lol. Again, sorry about that, and again, thank you so much.**

**It's been quite an experience writing this fanfiction, and it was mostly you guys who kept it going. I probably would have given it up after I posted the first chapter, but after you guys showed your interest, I realized that maybe I could write something worthwhile. :)**

**So thank you all for being there, and I'm glad that I made something you all could enjoy!**

**And I hoped I wrapped everything up at least semi-well!**

**See you on the next story, everyone!**

**(Unless there's an epilogue to this story, then this whole emotional note will be very awkward, hehe!)**

* * *

"You should have called me the moment you heard about this!"

"Yukio, at that point, it wasn't up to me! Even if the thought _had _crossed my mind, it would have been Rin's choice to tell you then, not mine! You're not his official guardian!"

"I'm his _brother!"_

"Well, he's told you now, so get over it!"

I listened to Shura and Yukio arguing in the hallway, my eyes downcast. A white sheet was across my legs. My hands trembled violently in my lap. An IV drip was in my arm, and machine monitored my vitals, filling the room with the sound of quiet, steady beeping.

It had been over six hours since my last drink. I was showing withdrawal symptoms, and they had me in this room. I'd be here until the initial, dangerous symptoms wore off... then I'd be put into rehabilitation treatment.

After visiting with Rouga, I'd called my brother. He'd answered, sounding panicked. He'd gotten back to the dorm to find me missing, and Kuro seemed to be anxious. Before he'd had the chance to get angry with me, I'd told him what happened. After that, Shura had taken over, and finished the call.

After that was kind of muddled. Talking to a doctor, setting me up in a room, taking away my belongings, including my phone, checkup, assessing my mental state... all that fun stuff.

"Yukio, do _not _get mad at him, he doesn't-"

The door opened and I heard Yukio's boots on the floor. I looked up carefully, and when I saw his horrified, angered expression, I looked away again. "Y-Yukio, I-"

Before I could finish, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders, and I blinked. "Y-"

"Why did you..." It seemed he could get the words out quite right.

I sighed. "It's... I've got problems, Yukio... I think you know that..." I glanced at my wrists. The scars there were faint, pale, pale white lines that barely showed against my skin. You could only see them if you were looking. "Or at least... now you do."

Yukio drew away and just stood there for a moment, before he slowly sat down in the chair next to the bed. "So... you..."

"I'm sure the doctors filled you in." I said.

Yukio looked down. "Yes..." He murmured. "Um... Shura told me it started at the asylum, and with what Suguro-kun said about you, is that true?" He said.

I nodded. "Yeah." I answered.

Yukio nodded. "Did the exorcist doctors check and see if it was a demon related illness? Something that could have-"

"No, it wasn't. And I'm not just saying that, they did check. That demon didn't... give me any... any sickness or anything, she just made me go crazy on you guys... no, it's ah-" I chuckled mirthlessly and tapped the side of my head. "It's all me, Yukio, I'm the one who's just fucked up in the head. It's always been that way. This has happened before, just... not this bad." I sighed. "I'm stopping you before you ask; let's save that for another time." I said.

_Beep._

Nothing but the sound of beeping and the faint humming of machinery.

"Does Mephisto know about this?" I asked, trying to change the subject, for Yukio's sake.

Yukio coughed a little and looked up. "Yes. Shura informed him after she talked to me." He sounded furious, and I could only guess why.

"Do I want to know what he said?" I asked.

Yukio shook his head. "Nothing out of the ordinary, for him. It was obvious he knew, even if he said it was a surprise..." He said. "If he knew, then he should have taken responsibility as your guardian! If he knew you were in danger-"

I shook my head. "He wouldn't have let me _die, _I know that much..." I said. I frowned. "Or... maybe he would... either way..." I shrugged. "He _did _know, I know that, but... maybe he also knew that something would change." I suggested. I rolled my eyes. "Or maybe he was just entertained."

I saw Yukio clench his fists. "If he did know, and he was just watching you-"

"Yukio. It's okay." I said, reaching out and flicking his shoulder. "We both know he's just a sick bastard, we shouldn't let him get to us." I said, forcing myself to smile. I couldn't be myself right now, for Yukio's sake. He didn't need to see the extent of my sickness, even if he knew how bad it was.

Yukio looked at me and took a deep breath. "So what now?" He asked quietly.

I leaned my head against the hard bed frame. "Well... I think we both know that I won't be working as an exorcist for a while... I left Kurikara under my mattress, just so you know... you might wanna put that somewhere safe for the time being." I added. I'd put it there after deciding to kill myself, knowing that someone would find it eventually.

Yukio nodded. "O-okay... do you think you know how long it'll take?" He asked.

I scoffed. "For my fucked up brain to get better? Never. I'm joking, Yukio, joking..." I quickly added, seeing him frown. I reached up and rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "I really don't know, Yukio, I'm sorry." I sighed. "But hey, after... what? Two years of being an exorcist? Two years of knowing about demons? You'd think I'd deserve a break." I joked. It wasn't really a break, but whatever.

Yukio closed his eyes. "Well... I think we'll be okay without you for a while... but..." He bit his lip before continuing. "I think everyone will miss you." He said.

I felt something warm up behind my chest, and a tiny, genuine smile tugged at the corners of my lips. "They'd better fuckin' miss me, or there'll be hell to pay." I breathed, closing my own eyes. "I'm tired, Yukio, I've got to get some sleep." I said.

I heard Yukio stand up. "O-okay. Get some rest, Nii-san." I heard him start to walk away, and I opened my eyes.

"Yukio," I started. He stopped and looked back at me. I could see his eyes beginning to get red. I smiled again. "Tell the others I said thank you. Take care of them for me." I whispered.

Yukio watched me for a moment, then shook his head. "Tell them yourself, Nii-san. We'll visit when we can." I could hear the tears in his voice, but I knew that he wouldn't let them fall.

I huffed. "How dare you." I teased. I waved him off. "Fine. See you later then." I said.

Yukio turned and went to the door. When his hand was on the handle, he froze. "Nii-san... do your best, okay?" He said.

I exhaled slowly. "I will, Yukio."

The door closed after that, and I looked outside at the dark sky. I allowed a smile to reach my face.

"I will."


	20. Clear (EPILOGUE)

**So, I decided to write an epilogue. And with this, it's finally done. (This time I'm not lying XD )**

**This is the two year anniversary of my posting this story, so I figured, "why not?" So... I wrote an epilogue. I hope it's good enough.**

**Thanks for stickin' it out!**

**Love you all!**

**Bye for now!**

* * *

I ran my fingers over the small circle of blue plastic. Maybe it wasn't worth much money, but it was worth a lot to me.

I sighed and leaned against the seat on the bus. It had been a while since I'd been to the school... a long while. My friends couldn't come to my "graduation" because of exams, but my brother had made the time. I glanced next to me. I grinned.

"You're skulking again." I said, gently punching my friend's shoulder. He'd gained some weight, thankfully, and he wasn't a stick anymore. At least he was healthy now.

Rouga looked at me out of the corner of his eye, frowning jokingly. "I am not _skulking, _I'm just _tired." _He protested, scoffing.

I snickered. "Yeah, we've both heard that excuse before."

Rouga smirked, before laughing a little, and I joined in after a second. The sudden outburst caused a couple people to stare, but I brushed it off.

I grinned and tucked the small chip back into my wallet, which was attached to a chain on my hip so I wouldn't lose it. "You excited?" I asked.

Rouga rolled his eyes. "They're _your _friends, not mine!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "They're warming up to you though." I said.

Rouga shrugged and ran his fingers through his pitch black hair. It had grown out, and when he'd cut it off, all the dirty blonde was gone. "Whatever, man." He began to fidget with the strings on his pullover, and his leg began to bounce. "When are we gonna be there?" He asked.

I looked up at the small, back-lit sign inside the cabin of the bus. "Next stop. Then I can take you to a park and walk you." I said sarcastically. This earned me a slap upside the head.

"I ain't a dog, you dip-shit."

"What's that, boy?" I grinned.

Rouga huffed and dropped the subject.

We rode in silence, until a female voice rang out from the speaker.

"_We are now stopping at the True Cross Academy Bus Station. Please collect your luggage, and prepare to unload. If you are going to the next stop..."_

Rouga and I wordlessly gathered our things and stood up, slinging our bags over our shoulders and holding onto the top railing until the bus stopped.

The car slowed to a stop, and the doors opened with a _ding. _People flooded out of the car, mostly students. Rouga and I fought our way to the edge of the crowd, both of us disliking crowded spaces, and set off down the road.

Rouga looked around, pain flashing in his eyes. I pretended not to notice as he rubbed his arm, where all his burn scars were. I caught sight of the bridge where I'd spent many nights standing, caught up in my own thoughts. I mentally shook my head and kept walking.

"So..." Rouga broke the tense silence. "Where are we going again?"

I grinned and shoved him. "God, your memory is worse than mine, and that's _really _saying something!" I teased. I pointed down the road, where a little sign hung out in front of a store front. "They're meeting us at that café up there." I replied before he could retort.

Rouga nodded absentmindedly, and his hand went to his pocket. I watched and saw a flash of yellow, the six month sobriety chip.

I had a blue one, one that marked one year of sobriety. Rouga had been going strong, but halfway through his mother visited with her new husband, along with who I could only assume was Rouga's father. After that, he'd slipped out of the house and somehow gotten a hold of something that had put him in the hospital for two weeks. I didn't know all the details, and I wasn't going to press.

But he'd started recovery again as soon as he'd gotten out of the hospital.

I'd almost slipped up as well, but that was just due to my messed up thoughts.

I sighed a little. No use in thinking about it now. What happened happened, there was nothing we could do to change what had already been.

"Oi, airhead. We're here." I felt a hand on my shoulder, keeping me from going any further.

I looked up. Oh. So we were. I felt a little nervous. I hadn't seen them in months. I didn't know how they'd changed, or how I'd changed to them.

"You're hesitating again." Rouga pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "I am not. C'mon." I grabbed his shoulder and pushed him forward, not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to make him laugh at me. He opened the door and I followed him into the café.

It was warmer inside than the cool September air on the street, so I immediately took off my scarf, winding it into a ball and stuffing it into my bag. I turned to Rouga to tell him to look in the back of the room, when a voice called out, making me jump.

"_RIN!"_

The entirety of the coffee shop looked at me as a small figure crashed into me, arms wrapping around my waist and bringing me to the ground. I yelped as I hit the floor, but my bag cushioned my fall, thankfully.

I blinked dazedly and looked up. Bright, green eyes stared down at me, blonde hair tickling my cheeks.

"Shiemi? What are you-"

"You're back!" She said gleefully, hugging me again. I laughed nervously and patted her back awkwardly. I wasn't used to this much touching, it would take me a while to get used to it, I guessed. She noticed that I was trying to get up, and she scrambled backwards. "Oh! Sorry!" She apologized, getting up and holding out her hand to me. I took it gratefully and pulled myself to my feet.

Rouga raised an eyebrow. "Where's my dramatic greeting?" He asked. He was joking, I knew, but Shiemi took it seriously. She was about to answer, looking awkward and flailing her hands around, but Rouga waved it off. "I was joking, miss, joking..." he murmured, trying to get her to calm down.

As they exchanged a couple words, I looked past Shiemi's shoulders. I saw the rest of the group sitting at a table at the back of the room. I watched them carefully, wondering how to react, when Shiemi grabbed my hand and began leading me towards them. "Come on, Rin, we're waiting for you." She said, smiling widely.

I returned the smile, and followed her to the large table. She was talking excitedly, about something that had happened on the way there, but I couldn't listen. My eyes were trained on the group, who was watching me curiously.

After a brief moment of silence (after Shiemi trailed off, of course,) I raised my hand in greeting. "Hey, guys. We're here." I said quietly.

Silence again.

Then, a chair scraped on the floor as someone stood up.

I watched, my head tilted a little to the side as Izumo stood. Her long, dark hair had been cut a little shorter, and it now reached her mid back, no longer held in pigtails. She raised her eyebrows a little, her equivalent of a small smile, I supposed.

"Welcome back, Okumura." She replied.

This seemed to set off a chain reaction, and the rest of the students stood up. When Bon and Shima greeted me, I was a little surprised to see that they no longer towered above me, but we were at more of an equal height. Well, I had shot up a year ago, but so had Bon and Shima, so they'd always been taller than I was, by a lot. When I mentioned this, it got me a quick slap about the head. Rouga laughed at this, and told me that I just kept asking for it.

Well, I didn't mind it.

I looked around, after it had all settled down a little bit, knowing that the room was missing someone very important.

"Where's Yukio?" I asked, turning to Shima.

"Right here."

I cried out in shock as a hand laid itself on my shoulder, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I whipped around. "Yukio, you son of a bitch, don't-" I didn't have time to finish my sentence as I was pulled into a hug. I raised an eyebrow as he pulled back. "A little more brotherly now, aren't we?" I joked, laughing softly.

Yukio smiled at me. "I'm allowed to be glad that you're back, right?" He asked.

I punched his shoulder. "I only saw you a month ago, idiot four-eyes." I teased.

He shrugged a little. "So..." he started. "You almost ready to get back to being an exorcist?" He asked.

"He's gonna be rusty, Okumura-sensei, he hasn't fought anything in over a year." Bon joked, lightly kicking the back of my leg.

I felt Rouga tense beside me, but I knew that Bon hadn't meant it in an offensive way.

I glanced over my shoulder with my old grin, narrowing my eyes challengingly. "That's the one thing I haven't stopped doing, Bon. Fighting demons will always be my specialty." I kicked him back. I placed a hand behind my head and grinned. "Besides cooking, I guess." I chuckled.

"So when are you gonna start again?" Konekomaru asked. He'd grown a little. I'd mention that to him later, I was sure he'd appreciate it.

"I'm gonna keep off it for a little while longer, then start remedial classes. I've gotta catch up on Cram School _and _regular school." I huffed. I shrugged, and smiled. "But after that, yeah. I'll start again. I don't know how long until then though." I said.

Yukio gripped my shoulder. "Take your time." He said.

I sighed. "I've waited long enough, though, huh...?" I gestured to the door. "Are you guys ready to get going? I wanna see Kuro." I said, changing the subject abruptly. I missed my cat sidhe familiar, and I was eager to get out and moving again... and from the way that Rouga was rocking back and forth on his feet, I knew he wanted to move as well.

Soon after this, we were headed towards the door. I trailed along behind at a steady pace, comfortable with where I stood. I watched them as they walked ahead, talking cheerfully and asking me questions about how the year had gone. I answered absently, a content smile on my face.

Rouga and I exchanged a glance, and he allowed himself a smile. We were both thinking the same thing;

After all of the shit we'd been through, it was good to be happy again.

It was good to be clear.

And I was ready to start again.


End file.
